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thomas phoolery and other assorted brain confetti
04/01/2006 = 12:00 AM

It's no secret; the English language is soooo my bitch.

But lately I feel like giving it a good old fashioned bitch-slapping.

Which brings us to this little confession: Yesterday I wrote a memo to the marketing manager, in which I spelled the word "review" as "revue."

I have never been so embarrassed in all my whole entire life. Ever.

!

It's almost as bad as that time I wrote "it's", when I meant to write "its".

And I've been starting sentences with conjunctions and then getting all kuh-razy with the cheese whiz, and using a preposition to end them with.

Mmmm, sweet prepositions.

No wait - I’m thinking of propositions ...

Ahem. Never mind.

Anyway, clearly this is a strong indication that I have an undiagnosed brain tumor. Or it’s yet another sign of the Impending Armageddon.

Either way, it's not good.

Pray for me.

When I was little, I used to think the word "irony" referred to that time The Mom dropped an iron on my dad's knee. It WAS pretty unexpected and amusing, though. Someone should write a song about that. Don’t you think?

I also used to think simple sentences were part of the official language spoken by retards.

...

I know. I’m going to hell.

But I like AC/DC, so it shouldn’t be all bad.

You know that scene in the movie Fight Club, where they talk about which famous person they'd like to fight?

I’d pick Stephen Hawking.

I know what you’re thinking - oh, pick on the poor cripple in the wheelchair, sure, like THAT'S an easy fight. He's, like, almost completely paralyzed!

Not so.

Because I believe the whole thing is a scam.

That’s right - I’m calling "Bullshit!" on Stephen Hawking.

He doesn’t really have motor neurone disease. He’s just faking it so people take pity on him and go "oh, he's really smart, for a cripple" and buy his books on boring old physical cosmology, quantum gravity and string theory physics.

And the guy is English, yet he talks with an American accent. What's up with that? If that's not proof of being a Big Fat Faker, I don't know what is.

It's sort of like those Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys. They just act gay. 'Cos nobody wants to watch a show where a bunch of heterosexual men go and play dress up with other heterosexual men.

Prove me wrong.

They're doing a follow up to that fabulicious movie, March of the Penguins. According to the official website, it will this time focus exclusively on the mating rites of the flightless southern hemisphere bird.

The working title is Raunch of the Penguins.

Mmmmm, penguin porn.

Is it wrong to find that Totally HAWT?

Here’s a quool Bathtub Meme:

People I’d like to get into a bath tub with:

1. Kate Winslet
2. Melanie Lynskey
3. Kate Winslet & Melanie Lynskey

Well. They are Heavenly Creatures.

I'm not tagging anyone else to do it, just do it if you want.

Yay.

April Fools' fell on a Saturday this year.

Which means I won't have to put up with all those lame amateur prank monkeys trying to get their Funny On.

Last year one of my COWorkers put tape over the optic sensor on my mouse.

Bitch, please.

That wasn’t funny.

No.

Funny was when I waited for her to go for a coffee break and then tore her keyboard apart and rearranged every single letter, number and function key. QWERTY that, fool!

Now THAT'S classic humor.

What's also funny is the number of people who die each year when April Fools' pranks go horribly wrong. In fact, there's probably enough material there for the creators of CSI to spin off a show about it.

Plus, there’s already a perfect Wh♂ theme song: Won't Get Fooled Again.

Bah.

Just for the record, I hate April Fools' Day. I think my feelings about this matter have already been Well Documented.

Still don’t get it? I am here and she’s off over there, watching penguins Get It On. Mmmmmm…

listening to: the sound of one man laughing.
drinking: Unhinged Ginge; 7% ginger beer, basement brewed by the D-Man.
wondering: if this is the first world, and little warring countries are third world, and the heavenly creatures were fourth world, where is second world?