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all i want is ...
04/21/2006 = 05:21 AM

... to have my peace of mind.

Quotation of the Lifetime:

Some days you think maybe you know everything ...
Some days you think maybe you don't know anything ...
Some days you think you know a few things ...
Some days you don't even know how old you are.

— Charles M. Schultz

This is neither entertaining nor silly, but I imagine a lot of people are going to find it immensely interesting.

Some of you have been enquiring after me, and the truth is that I haven't really known how to handle this situation:

I've got a hater (someone I know in real-life, a rather scary individual) reading my brain confetti.

On the one hand, I feel sorry for the sort of person who has never treated me with anything other than the highest of contempt and disdain, feeling they must nevertheless keep up with my thoughts and news.

On the other hand, though the Mom told me I should walk away from bullies, she never said what I ought to do when they follow me.

On the other hand, should I let this person chase me away from my own spot?

On the other hand, the Mom also always said to me, whenever I had something nice that this hater wanted, "Let her have it ... keep the peace."

That's too many hands, isn't it?

(Incidentally, I wouldn't mind being the sort of person who could throw a histrionic tantrum at will, so someone would, for a nice fucking change of pace, suggest that I be given what I want, to "keep the peace." Unfortunately for me, while I am a carrier of the tantrum gene, the ability has long since been trained out of me. Whenever I attempted histrionics, I received either nothing at all, or less than nothing, as I would generally be punished for misbehaving and disrespect to boot. The Mom did not tolerate attempts at emotional blackmail from me.)

At any rate, I'm tired of "letting her have it to keep the peace." There's got to be something nice of mine that I don't have to give up just so she'll leave me alone.

I was hoping it would be this page, but apparently not. I'm just hoping I've been idle long enough that she's lost interest and I've fallen off her radar.

Occasionally, over the years, this hater has made superficial motions that almost look like peace offerings, but I've gotten tricked by her too many times to fall for that again. Abusers have that pattern - try to make up for the hurt they've caused so you'll forget it ever happened.

It makes it easier for them to burn you again.

I can let go of the past, but I like to think I care enough about myself not to give in to her for the present or the future, to "keep the peace" or for any other reason. I can be civil, but I don't have to let her back into my life, and I don't intend to do so.

The question is whether or not I can write in here without feeling threatened. If I cannot, I'll just, as the Mom said, "let her have it to keep the peace."

I'll be judging the situation for a bit. Till then, just pretend you hear a beep and the following message:

"We're sorry; Golf Widow is currently set on Paranoid Mode. She will get back to you later. Probably."

(Unless you are the hater. You should hear chirping, 'cos of me flipping you the bird.)

Tags: quote, Charles M. Schultz

drinking: coffee
listening to: freaking birds chirping
reading: going postal by terry pratchett