I don't always think your kid is nearly as great as you think
he or she is. No. Really. I'm not just teasing here. Sometimes I can't determine who's the bigger idiot — your kid, or you for thinking your kid is
so great.
9.
On the other hand, other kids really are great. And I treat
all kids as if they are great. So you can never be sure how I feel about your
kid, and I'll never tell.
8.
I smacktalk most celebrities because I'm jealous, not of
their talent, but because they manage to make careers and fabulous amounts
of money without having much talent.
7.
In general, I'm very covetous. If you have it, I want it.
And I will whine.
6.
Only the first bite of a hot Krispy Kreme doughnut is any
good, and the fact that I don't take the first bite out of all the doughnuts
in the box and leave bitten doughnuts for everyone else is no thanks to
me; it's courtesy of having been raised
properly.
5.
I don't always like my friends. Not you guys. My in-person friends. Sometimes I think they're
being really selfish and I want to yell at them to stop bothering me with
their problems and listen to my problems for a change.
4.
I'm also too chickenshit to tell them this. It's not that I'm
worried about losing their friendship, it's that I'm fairly sure all of them would
say, Oh, sorry, I didn't realize, tell me your sorrows, but then,
when I started talking, they'd either get bored and start talking about
themselves again, or they'd be really interested and go out and tell other
people.
3.
I tear up during sentimental commercials.
2.
When the program doesn't work, I throw tantrums. And, sometimes,
electronics. On a few occasions, furniture.
And the number one reason I suck:
1.
I bitch about my fat ass in between mouthfuls of mashed potatoes.
If you donate to That Man's Paypal, he'll know who you are and
tell me to put you on this year's shirt, but if you donate directly to the United Way
or mail your donation directly to the clinic, I have no way of knowing what
a nice thing you did unless you tell me. So note me or comment me and I'll add
your name to the Shirt of Much Tackiness.
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