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whole lotta somethin'
09/22/2006 = 07:49 AM

I would like to take this time to fill everyone in on all the wonderful details of my life, excluding anything potentially dooceable, symptom-related, political, or just plain uninteresting.

But I decided to lower my self-expectations. Alton Brown did an entire half-hour episode of his cooking show about water, the most useful ingredient known to man while stilll retaining the kiss-of-death reputation for rocking blandness hardcore. I mean, if water's so great, why don't I like watery beer?

And I have no time to wonder about this, even leaving aside anything potentially dooceable, symptom-related, political, or just plain uninteresting.

Because I'm too busy considering the following:

• Who is Martha, and how did she get all the grapes? For that matter, would Martha's Vineyard be nearly as quaint as it is if Martha had been named Gladys or Ethel? Or Siouxsie, or Elvira?
• When chimney sweeps became "non-mechanical heating system ventilation hygienists," did it stop being good luck to shake hands with them?
• Wonder Woman has an invisible jet, and Batman has a Bat Copter. Why isn't there a Superchef, and why doesn't he fight for truth, justice, and safe knife skills, traveling around the globe in his Microplane?
• Why does that guy in my office call me "toots?" My name plate is right outside my cube.

Now, see, I think that last one might be dooceable. But it needed to be said. So up it stays.

And, if that's the case, I might as well cover the other ones, too. If Alton Brown can make water fascinating, surely I can squish something out of my brain today.

(Scene: car interior, morning)

Me: Dude, stop the car. I mean it. There's a really strong gasoline smell.
Him: That'd be because we're pulling into the gas station.

You know I'm not at my best if he's more focused at any given time than I am. How I made it through the week I'll never know.

Chavez called Bush the devil. Do you see us banning everything Venezuelan? Even Bush himself doesn't seem to be perturbed. Hello, world. We're not the smartest people, but we know about sticks and stones and things. Build a bridge and get over your own selves.

I didn't win the Ben and Jerry's Do Us a Flavor contest, but one of the finalists' submissions is something called "Italian Renaissance," which is amaretto-flavored ice cream, cherries, and sliced almonds. Hello. Yum. I want to be this girl's friend, because I like how her mind works. But more importantly, I want to go to a Scoop Shop and order a DaVinci Cone.

I haven't done the podcast in a few weeks because I can't make it how I want it, which is to say, not a freakin' news show. I need it to be a conversation and not a lecture, and it can't be a conversation with only my opinion. Also, I don't feel like stressing over podcast content when I have more important things to stress over, like, oh, shit, if I'm going to my brother's wedding breakfast the morning after the Big Night, I have to alter my cute black skirt, because that bitch is falling off my still-fat-but-not-as-fat arse. So you could say I'm a quitter, or you could say I don't care enough, but I'm going to say "I'm on a brief hiatus," and be all, "ooh, look at me, I'm important."

Oh, maybe I'll do this, 'cos mehhhhhhh, I'm sheepy.

Ten Things I Dislike About Myself
and
Ten Things I DO Like About Myself

1. Dislike: I get upset with myself when I can't please everyone.
   Like: Because I'm always making the effort, I seem to have gotten a reputation (in Real Life, where they don't know what a whiny bitchette I am here) for being a peacemaker and a guru. That makes me feel a little better.
2. Dislike: I'm always in a pretty fair amount of pain.
   Like: I'm a trooper. I suck it up and get it done.
3. Dislike: I'm lazy.
   Like: I work really hard so no one will find out.
4. Dislike: I'm impatient.
   Like: I do what I can to make things happen so I don't have to wait as long.
5. Dislike: I let people take advantage of my better nature.
   Like: I told off two people whom I really care about this week, because I think they didn't realize they were doormatting me. I'm proud of myself for not giving in, and I'm proud of them for owning the fact that they had upset my soul.
6. Dislike: I'm broke.
   Like: I'm sheltered, I have a job, and I have food.
7. Dislike: I still look like a "before" picture.
   Like: I look closer to an "after" picture than I do to Jabba the Hutt, which is how I looked before the "before" look. Jabba the Hutt is not a good look for me.
8. Dislike: I'm jealous of other people's nice things.
   Like: I'm grateful for what nice things I have.
9. Dislike: I have a whole lotta nothin' to say.
   Like: I have a pretty good knack for turning a whole lotta nothin' into a whole lotta somethin'.
10. Dislike: I still haven't written a novel.
    Like: I will, though.

I think I'm going to start a revolution. If you were tagged previously with this one, and you read this before doing it, you're now immune. Instead of speading the meme, I'm inoculating against it. Represent.

Tags: meme

drinking: vanilla chai soy
listening to: The Platters, Twilight Time
disappointed: i wanted a lovely whodunit mystery about anna nicole smith's son