(Remember my rule: if you have been "tagged" by someone else on this, you automatically gain immunity by reading my version from beginning to end.)
I got this, for about the millionth time this year alone, as one of those emails that you're supposed to send to everyone, but I don't do that, even — nay, especially — when one of the instructions says, specifically, "Try not to be lame and spoil the fun."
Embrace the lame-itude, I say.
To me, chain emails of this nature are the online equivalent of the windshield flyer: sending out five hundred messages to have four hundred ninety drivers throw them away without looking, nine drivers looking, deciding you're a nuisance, and throwing theirs away too, and receiving one viable response, is a wasted effort.
On the other hand, putting out a stack of flyers and letting people help themselves based on their interest level can be pretty useful.
Help yourself (copy the following and change all the answers so that they apply to you):
What is your occupation? I'm an author. I can say that if I want. I'm on Amazon. I don't care if it's not my main source of income.
What color are your socks right now? White.
What are you listening to right now? CSN, Just a Song Before I Go. Shut up.
What was the last thing that you ate? Vegetable lo-mein and a beer, last night.
Can you drive a stick shift? Not anymore. I have owies in my clutch leg.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?Amp.
Last person you spoke to on the phone? My friend P. We compared nail colors over the phone. Yes, you can. You just have to be really good at describing things.
Do you like the person who sent this to you? You kidding me? I adoreher.
How old are you today? I'm five. (In dog years.)
Favorite drink? Alcoholic would be beer. Non-alcoholic ... probably coffee. Maybe diet cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper. Or just any energy beverage fizzy-lifting drink with a lizard on the can. (I drink a lot of water, but it's such not my favorite.) I guess you could call my indecisiveness a "drinking problem," but my main problem is wondering how I'm consuming so much fluid in any given day, yet my skin maintains the healthy tone and texture of a concrete sidewalk.
What is your favorite sport to watch? College basketball, preferably UConn, preferably the girls, preferably kicking Villanova's asses.
Have you ever dyed your hair? To a drastic color that made everyone go, "What the shit?" No. Once every few months to add reddish highlights that no one really notices at all, but do a really good job of camouflaging stray grays? I have to. Looking younger makes me feel younger. So does acting younger. Pbbblllttt.
Pets? I have a Norwegian blue ex-parrot. He is bereft of life and rests in peace. (Calm down, pet-lovers — he's also faux. I got him at a toy store and he doesn't require any feeding, watering, or changing of newspaper.)
Favorite food? I have too many to list. Number one right now is probably a western omelet on a hard roll with a side of home fries, but that's because I skipped breakfast.
What was the last movie you watched?Shawshank Redemption (on DVD). Also went to see the new digitized 3-D Nightmare Before Christmas last week. I was amused that the theater manager was waxing poetical about the fact that there was No Film Involved in this release
and that it was wholly digitized, the wave of the future, and then he invited
a birthday boy to step forward, take his microphone, and tell the projectionist
to "Roll it!" I guess "Click PLAY!" just doesn't have
that same ring to it.
Favorite day of the year?Cavort
Day. Because it occurs once a year, there's no merchandising and months
of hype, no mobbed shopping, and the only person I have to get gifts for is
me.
What do you do to vent anger? Mild anger, I generally
try to write something funny so that way, when I say, Someday I'll look
back at this and laugh, I have a head start. Spur-of-the-moment rage?
I cuss. Creatively, and with great venom and volume. Sorry, Katie Couric.
What was your favorite toy as a child? I think
probably my Pull-a-Tune Xylophone (which I tended not to pull, but rather
to sit down and play commercial jingles and TV theme songs on by ear. I was the queen
of the eight-note concerto for years).
What is your favorite, fall or spring? Autumn.
I can fall like a hero in any season.
Hugs or kisses? Hugs.
Cherries or blueberries? Cherries.
Do you want your friends to email you back? Since
I'm only "emailing" this to one person (the source), I'd be really
surprised if anyone "emailed" me back.
If you could change one silly thing in your residence what would
it be? I hate my kitchen. But I'd hate it somewhat less if it
had windows.
If you could have had any dream job to start over with, what
would you do? Something that paid a lot better. I live so hand-to-mouth
now I'm not allowed to use the words "nest" and "egg"
in the same sentence. (Albert Brooks fans, unite.)
If you had an easy button with one use what would you use it
for? Pay off my mortgage. See question 24.
When was the last time you cried? The other day.
M*A*S*H rerun. "Old Soldiers" episode.
What is on the floor of your closet? Boxes of
holiday decorations, and thank you so much for reminding me that I have to
drag those bastards out again soon.
Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending
this to? I guess Chaos, since she's the ONLYiest person I'm
sending it to.
What did you do last night? Wrote a little, cooked
a little, watched a little TV. You love my crazy life.
What inspires you? Just about everything, up to
and including spam subject lines (example: "How to make her scream"
made me think, "I don't want to open this spam, 'cos it will tell That
Man of Mine to spill diet Coke on my green sweater").
What are you afraid of? Insects, arachnids, and
basically any creature with more than four legs, that cannot be steamed and
served with drawn butter.
What is your favorite part of the Chex mix? The
pretzels. Though, like everything else in life, the temptation to pick out
all the cashews before anyone else gets to them is irresistible.
Favorite dog breed? I like all big, goofy, loveable
dogs, but if I were to actually own a dog again, I'd probably get a beagle.
Number of keys on your key ring? Five. Number
of keychains on my key ring? Four, including a Sharpie mini. Pink.
How many years at your current job? Six at this
company, four in my current position. That's assuming you're talking about
my main source of income. See question 1.
Favorite day of the week? Saturday.
How many states have you lived in? I've only ever
been solid, to the best of my knowledge. If I'm ever alive as a liquid or
a gas, I'll let you know.
Favorite holiday? Memorial Day. I don't have to
go to work, no one gives me crap about my religious beliefs (or disbeliefs),
I don't have to spend a ton of money, and I don't have guilt about people
sending me cards when I didn't send them one.
Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? The
only thing I've ever driven other than a car, pickup, van, or SUV was a Vespa,
which not only doesn't count as a motorcycle or heavy machinery, it barely
counts as driving. But it was purple. (Well, the owner called it Daring Plum,
but I don't care. Purple.)
By the by, there's a fresh episode of podcrap podcast just uploaded. You don't need no special equipment — just go to http://golfwidow.podomatic.com and you can subscribe if you do have the fancy equipment, or just click "play" to listen, or download it to your computer and listen to it later.
Getting it is easy. Producing it? Not so much. As you'll be able to tell from the fine quality of the editing and mixing.
However, the material, such as it is, is spot-on, if I do say so (and shouldn't).
Gotta go watch my brother get his vow on. Have a good weekend.
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