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golfwidology
01/12/2008 = 12:13 PM

The paid writers went on strike and they seem to have sucked away all of my creativity.

Nice going, you guys. Well played. It's not like I was going to cross your damned picket signs or misspell Joaquin Phoenix's name or anything. I just wanted to write a little, and now I can't think of anything.

Well, really, it's busy; there's nothing interesting going on, just now (unless you count my latest PC Lite episode, five minutes of me saying that if you're going to do fanfic, please don't do a half-arsed job of it); and I want to laugh at everyone who's sick and tired of Roger Clemens.

Bitches, please. Y'all are bandwagoners. The man put the win in Winstrol. I was sickofroger when sickofroger wasn't cool.

Anyway, I think this was a meme when Amie nicked it from Sunshine, but it's not anymore. Because Amie and Sunshine, like me, never did tag anyone with it. Notice it's still managing to make the rounds. You catch more flies blah blah honeycakes.

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. At home, I'll concoct a different dressing depending on what ingredients I have and what else I'm serving; in a restaurant, confronted with the usual suspects, I tend to go with bleu cheese because I know they're probably going to give me a bowl of standard iceberg with a few wedges of refrigerated tomato, and bleu cheese will at least give me some flavor to distract me.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Sonic, one of which we haven't got in the area.

Q. What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
A. There are too many. Probably this week, it's Texas Roadhouse, but only because I'm totally craving a steak and some of their seasoned fries. If I get that, this answer will change.

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. I average eighteen percent or higher unless the service is really bad.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. There is no single food, prepared one way, that I could eat even for two days in a row and not get sick of. However, if you were to say "What TYPE of food could you ..." I'd say, probably Mexican; and if you were to say "What FOODSTUFF, prepared different ways, could you ..." I'd say potatoes.

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Anything but anchovy is fine, but if I'm the one choosing, sausage and mushroom.

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. Depends on when I have it. Morning toast: butter only. Daytime toast: peanut butter. Midnight toast: butter and cinnamon sugar.

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Two: one in the living room, one in the bedroom.

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. I have trouble remembering which is left and which is right. I write with my right hand, but I often find myself thinking in terms of left-handedness (i.e., I reach for a pencil with my left hand automatically, but I switch it to my right hand to write with it). I don't know what that is. I'm fuckuphanded.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. I had a shirt ripped off once. Pay no attention to the slut behind the curtain, Mom. And be glad I didn't raise you and Daddy like mushrooms ... keep you in the dark and feed you shit.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. I have never in my life had a cavity. I think we can probably attribute that more to strong genes or breast-feeding than we can to sugar avoidance. I didn't get a lot of candy or soda when I was a tiny kid, but the Mom was never one to deprive a well-behaved kid of ice cream.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
A. I carried groceries in, the other day.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. I fell once, getting out of the shower. Yes, I was holding on, but my hand didn't close all the way. Yay arthritis. I was alone in the house and I hit my head pretty hard. This is, incidentally, the first time I have admitted that that happened, to anyone other than my doctor. Although you probably already assumed that I must have hit my head at least once in my life.

BULLCRAPOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Yeah. I want at least a two-minute warning so I can do a big buildup and plan for some really pithy last words. (Actually, if I can remember, I think I'm going to have my last words be "This is the sort of thing that causes straight men to make gay porn." Because would those please not be the best last words ever? I mean, think about it. If I can remember to make those my last words when I die, everyone else in the world could just go ahead and die with no pressure, because you cannot top that.)

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. I think I'd rather be Rich Widow than Golf Widow.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. I have a bad self-image. I think I look best in black and gray and colors that wash me into the background where no one can see me. Other people say I look nice in really saturated jewel tones, particularly bright blue.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. I find non-food items in my food so often it's considered a family joke, but it also concerns me as to how much I've eaten that simply got swallowed before I discovered it.

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Does calling 9-1-1 count? If it does, yes. If not — no, wait, I found a kid at a party I was at, facedown in a pile of recycled dinner, and I rolled him over and sat him up to keep him from choking on it. That's got to count. It has to, 'cos I do not like being that close to puke and it was all I could do to keep my own dinner from making itself known.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Someone's always saving mine. You guys do, all the time.

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Yes, but I wouldn't let her go farther unless for more money or till our third date, whichever comes first.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. There are instances I'd allow that (to save a life, to give the $200,000 to someone more in need than I am) but for $200,000 for myself, no. I don't like pain.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Yeah, I would. Sorry. I'm bogged down by debt and as hard as it would be for me to give this up, I'd be irresponsible not to take this offer.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Absolutely I would. I figure anyone who has to look at me naked will be punished enough, and we've established that I do need the money, and it wouldn't hurt me physically.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. Yep. 'Cos there's no fine print. It doesn't say "all at once."

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. I would not, fear of punishment notwithstanding, take a human life for any amount of money. In self-defense or in defense of someone I love, I would take a life for free.

DUMBOLOGY

Q. What is in your left pocket?
A. Wait. These are PJs, but they do have pockets ... a Benadryl, a tuft of lint, and a rubber band.

Q. Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. Actually, it's one of the all-time dumb, bad movies, but I love it anyway. Napoleon Dynamite accepts its dumbness and parlays it into clever far more skilfully than Star Wars, which still wants to be considered a serious film.

Q. Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Carpet. Mauve. It was here when I moved in. It's not particularly high on my list of priorities.

Q. Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. I have a shower seat, and I hate it. I feel like an old lady in a hospital. But it is what it is.

Q. Would you live with roommates?
A. I've done so before, and I have a husband now, but I like privacy too.

Q. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. One, and I didn't purchase them. That Man of Mine got them for me on an impulse, because he had money and heaven forfend he save it or buy something useful.

Q. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. We got pulled over during a traffic check last summer. They checked That Man's license, noted that we both had our seatbelts on, and sent us on our way.

Q. Who is number 1 on your Top 8?
A. Our producer, Josh. If we don't look good, he don't look good.

LASTOLOGY

Q: Last friend you talked to?
A: Andy. I love me some Andy.

Q: Last person who called you?
A: Ms. F.

Q: Last person you hugged?
A: That Man of Mine.

Q: Last person to stick their foot in your face?
A: Mr. Fab.

FAVORITOLOGY

Q: Number?
A: Eleven is good. It's a palindrome, it's prime, and best of all, it's more than ten, innit?

Q: Season?
A: Autumn, because it's a crispy, cool relief from the heat and humidity of summer, and it's the last glimpse of warmth and loveliness before drab winterosity takes over the hemisphere. (Yes, I know wintriness is a word, and winterosity isn't, but winterosity said what I meant right away, whereas wintriness, I had to stop and look at it again. So it's a word, but not a good one.)

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
A: I never get to see the Mom enough.

Q: Mood?
A: Defeatist, actually. Maybe I'll cheer up later.

Q: Listening to?
A: Bud Buckley's new CD. If he's not awesome enough by himself, Deni Bonet and Helen Avakian are on it with him. This is a whole lot of brilliant strings all in one place.

Q: Watching?
A: I'm not paying attention to telly anyway; it's muted. Maverick is on, but only because the tape I was watching (an old episode of The Planets) finished.

Q: Worrying about?
A: Money. My dad. The usual.

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
A: The bathroom. It's the first place I go every morning.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: I can wait to do anything. I wait to do everything. It hasn't killed me yet. What do I wish would happen right now instead of having to wait for it? I can't wait to win the lottery.

Q: What's the last movie you saw in theater?
A: I can't remember. We were supposed to go to the movies Christmas Day. That Man of Mine hosed me. I think my last theater movie was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: Yes. It fools my brain into thinking it's happy.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Fuck off. (Kidding. I just thought that was a really good comeback.)

Tags: meme

drinking: coffee
listening to: Bud Buckley, Tattoo
how to listen to what i'm listening to: get the cd, baby