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look before you leap
02/29/2008 = 04:02 PM

This is going to be my second ever Leap Day post. And, like the first one, it will probably be all over the damned place.

Between Juno, August Rush, and Once, I have decided that there's only room for one "Little Movie that Could" in my heart per year. These three canceled each other out and made me sick and tired of the genre. Now I want to see things blow up, with no sign of clever dialogue, tender, well-written songs, or ordinary people living extraordinary lives. Rather, I think I'm ready for some over-the-top weaponry and sweaty men without shirts. Bring on the summer blockbusters.

At the Oscars, why did practically every woman have the same hairstyle: namely, a low ponytail with one swath of hair cranked out of the side of her head at a crazy angle like the arm of a Hollywood slot machine? I really wanted to drop a quarter in Cameron Diaz' ear, yank on her sideswoop, and see if her eyeballs rolled to cherries, spilling tokens out of her mouth.

Do any of you know anything about getting a job as an offline captioner? I watch television with the closed-captioning on, so I at least feel like I'm reading. Some of these captioners have no idea what the hell their context is, and I think I not only could do a better job, but it would be fun. (Also, if I have to see the phrase, "I have places to go and sites to see" one more time, I'm going to recite the alphabet soup backwards.)

Spammers: learn some marketing skills. I am fairly confident that no one who needs a penis enlargement product will want to buy one from a seller who insists on referring to penises as trouser mice. Somewhere between "trouser mouse" and "MONSTER COCK," the truth lies.

Incidentally, why do we say things like "the truth lies?" If it does, it's not truth anymore, is it?

I think I will rephrase the above.

I believe the truth is located at a point somewhere between "trouser mouse" and "MONSTER COCK."

(Hello, young Googlers™ , whoever you are.)

My severance check arrived yesterday, so That Man of Mine and I ventured forth into the cold, paid some bills (three cheers for George Westinghouse, the man who rejected Nikola Tesla's proposal for drawing free electricity from the earth's crust because "how can I charge my customers for that?"), and ate at a new place about which I will not tell you, because the last two wonderful eateries I told you about have already closed.

It was really good, though, and completely affordable, even at our current lack of income. Sorry it has to be my little secret.

I don't know what "amateur kontakte" is, but if you want to advertise it, contact me for my fees. Get the hell out of my comments. In case you haven't noticed, I'm too broke to be giving away free ad space.

If Ben and Jerry's Fudge Brownie Milkshake is wrong, I don't want to be right. Calm down, those of you who have remembered my allergies to both chocolate and dairy — I took a Benadryl and also I only drank half of it. I was boring as hell the rest of the night due to the Benadryl, but that gave That Man of Mine time to do our taxes. That is a load off my mind and will be yet another load off my mind when we get our return.

I'm grateful to Things I'm Grateful For. Especially the dancing pickles; they slay me.

Guest posts are still for sale, at $2 a pop, and you get a "Classy Blog" award and a mention in my forthcoming book, which will be a collection of all the guest blogs with short bios of the bloggers representing. Who doesn't love seeing their name in print, I ask you? Plus, it'll give you an opportunity to show off to those friends and family members who don't (or shouldn't) read your blog.

And Juma, I love you; you're the best cousin ever.

Tags: leap year

drinking: sprite zero
watching: an old episode of The Universe
excited about: quin's coming to visit soon