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looking back
12/28/2008 = 05:43 AM

If it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon not do a retrospective of 2008, which changed the concept of "anal rape" to that of "annual rape."

On the other hand, looking forward could mean "making resolutions," which I try never to do, because it only leads to self-disappointment.

That doesn't leave me a whole lot of options.

And when I don't have a whole lot of options, it's probably time for de-memeing a meme.

I started writing a diary on Diarrhealand on November 6th, 2001. I missed writing about my seventh bloggiversary last month, which is just as well, because I haven't got a full year's worth (in the sense of averaging more than a post per week) for 2008, the year that annual-raped me, anyway.

I have not slept the full night under the stars. I am too fond of creature comforts and too arthritic to enjoy that kind of cold in my bones. I have, however, dozed off under the stars and been obliged to limp inside to warm up and try to fall back asleep.

I have played in school marching bands and concert bands (flute and baritone horn) and sung and/or played keyboards in a few other, short-lived bands of the rock 'n' roll sort. I have not played a musical instrument in years, other than kazoo. I am thinking, however, of taking up the harmonica.

I have never visited Hawaii, but I just had Hawaiian barbecue for the first time. I am a bit confused by the overweening use of teriyaki but apparent fear of garlic or ginger. That said, I really love the macaroni salad.

I have watched meteor showers at every opportunity. Both "live," as it were, or, if it happened on the other side of the planet, over the Internet. I love sky stuff.

The only way I'm ever able to give money to charity is to give more than I can afford to charity.

I have never been to Disneyland. I have been to Disney World. We were in the parade on Main Street USA. See above paragraph about marching band.

I have never climbed a mountain on foot, but we drove over several to get to Nevada from Connecticut, and we've driven to the top of several since we've been in this part of the country, just to eat some lunch and go, "Wow."

I have never held a praying mantis. We had one in a jar for a few hours. I wanted to hold it, but the Mom wouldn't let me. She did let me catch grasshoppers to feed it. They tickle in your hands. The praying mantis bit the Mom whilst she was holding it, so she was pretty smart not to let her kid hold it.

I have sung solo in public. At synagogue, when I was still into organized religion and the religion that organized me was Judaism, I was often called upon to do so, not because I have the greatest voice in the world, but because I knew all the words and could carry a tune. I have also taken the lead, very occasionally, in some of the short-lived bands I usually sang backup in, again, when the normal lead singer didn't know all the words. I have also sung karaoke, but I have to be pretty drunk to get over myself long enough to make the attempt. I usually do better at it than I expect myself to do.

I have never bungee jumped, and I have no inclination to do so. I feel uncomfortable wearing heels that are too high.

I have never visited Paris. I'm not terribly upset by this; I don't speak the language, I can get delicious French food right here if I want it, and if I ever do get to France, I think I would probably be more at home in Provence.

I have never watched a lightning storm at sea. I have watched lightning storms over Long Island Sound, from land, but that's the closest I've gotten. They were still pretty amazing.

I taught myself to etch glass, because I had leftover glass (I had bought photo frames and framed paintings in them) and thought it would be fun. It is.

I have never adopted a child, but I have thought about it a lot. It's not about wanting to be a parent — I know I wouldn't be good at that — but about feeling sad over the fact that my dad grew up in an orphanage and I wish someone had loved him enough to want to take him home.

I have had food poisoning. At first, I thought I was going to die. Then, I wished I would.

I have, indeed, walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Years ago, before arthritis. Or terrorists.

We had a vegetable garden at our house one summer. It was not my idea, but I went along with it, until I realized that our hose did not reach to the area where the person who plotted the garden had set it, and that I would be the one carrying a bucket of water from the basement, across the yard, to the garden, trying not to spill anything. That was the worst part of that garden. Second worst was my two black thumbs: the weeds loved me, but nothing else really did. The best bit about that garden was going out with the salt shaker, sitting in the sun, and eating the tomatoes right off of the vine. So freaking good.

I have never seen the Mona Lisa in France. See the above paragraph about never having been to Paris. I have heard that it's teensy.

I have never slept on an overnight train. I have taken overnight flights where I was supposed to be sleeping, but could never fall asleep. It wasn't their fault. I have trouble falling asleep at home, too.

I have been in quite a few pillow fights. I have a strategy. I stockpile the other team's pillows as they chuck them at me, then fire back when they're out of ammo.

I have never hitchhiked nor picked up a hitchhiker I didn't know, though I have rescued more than one acquaintance seen walking with their respective thumbs out. The only time I would ever consider hitchhiking is if I thought for sure I could be picked up by Zaphod Beeblebrox.

At my last job, I used to take the occasional sick day when I wasn't too ill to go to work, because they had already worked two people, literally, to death, and I didn't care to be number three. At most jobs, even if I feel sick, I go in anyway.

I have never taken part in building a snow fort, but I have hung out in snow forts other people have built.

I have held a lamb, and many other baby animals. Catskill Game Farm. They smell kind of funny, but I probably smelled funny to them, too.

I have gone skinny dipping, but there was less sexual about it on both occasions than there was a perfectly convenient too-warm night, a lake, and no bathing suit.

I have never run a marathon. I used to like Marathon Bars, though.

I have never ridden in a gondola in Venice. I have never ridden in a gondola. I've built a couple, but they were the merchandising kind, not the riding in and getting serenaded kind.

I have never seen a total solar eclipse. One happened, when I was in second grade, but they wouldn't let us be outside for it. It was weird, being in class when it felt like nighttime outside.

I have watched any number of sunrises and sunsets. I always liked sunrises better till I moved to Nevada. A sunset over the mountains beats a sunrise over relatively flat terrain all to shit.

I have never hit a home run in baseball or softball, but I've done a few in punchball.

I've never been on an overnight cruise, but I used to take day cruises and dinner cruises frequently when I worked in the hospitality industry and tickets were wildly discounted for company employees. (Incidentally, the concept of a dinner cruise, drinks included, becomes less delightful when one is forced to witness someone who is not used to the ocean or included drinks lose the dinner part of his cruise.)

I have never seen Niagara Falls in person. I had the Mom for a mom. I know she's been there herself and had a good time, but every time I see the Falls, all I can think is, "You better shut that off before the Mom catches you wasting water."

I have visited the birthplace of my ancestors. My Grampa and the Mom were both born in Stamford, Connecticut. You have to at least drive through there if you want to go to New York City from New Haven, where I was born.

I have seen an Amish community, in the early '90s when my friends A and T got married in Lancaster. I had shoo-fly pie. It contains neither shoes nor flies. Discuss.

I never taught myself a new language, but I did learn Gibberish (or Jithigibithigerithigish) just by listening to other people speak it. I also managed to learn how to do sudoku puzzles without having my father-in-law show me the "right way" to do them. My methods may not be traditional, but I come up with the same solutions, faster than he does, so whatever.

Several times, I have had enough money to be truly satisfied. Unfortunately, each time I did, it was only a matter of moments before that money was gone.

I have never seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person. Or in tower. Whatever. I have never been to the city of Pisa.

I have never gone rock climbing, and I never cared to, even when I was in good enough physical shape to do so. I trip over air. Don't put me on the side of a cliff and expect me not to get injured.

I have never seen Michelangelo’s David in person (or in marble), and I'm glad, because every time I even see a picture of it, I want Terry Gilliam to doctor it up.

I have sung karaoke, and if I'd been paying attention, I'd have put the bit about singing karaoke (which I put up there with the bit about singing solo) down here.

I have never seen Old Faithful geyser erupt, except here.

I have never bought a stranger a meal at a sit-down restaurant, but more than once I have gone into a fast-food restaurant and bought a meal for a hungry person not of my acquaintance.

I have never visited Africa, but I bless the rains down there.

I have, many times, both romantic and not, walked on a beach by moonlight.

I have never been transported in an ambulance for myself, but I've gone to the hospital upright in an ambulance with someone else who went in on his or her back.

I have never had my portrait painted. I've been sketched, but I guess that doesn't count.

I have gone deep sea fishing, in the sense that I was on the boat, but I did not fish. I drank beer and made sandwiches when the people I was with didn't catch anything worth cooking.

I have never seen the Sistine Chapel in person. I'm glad of that in the same sense that I'm glad I've never seen David in person — when I see the Lowered and Adam reaching out to each other, my inner twelve year-old says, "Pull my finger."

I have never been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. As if you couldn't figure that out. "Oh, yeah, I've been there; I've just never been to Paris. Here's your sign."

I have been both scuba diving and snorkeling. I actually prefer scuba, even though I get tired faster. There's so much more to see.

I have kissed in the rain. It's not so great, actually. Not to mention the fact that it always reminds me of my friend H's dad, who used to say of Barbra Streisand's Kiss Me in the Rain (which gives you an idea of how long ago that was), "Why don't they just take a shower together?"

I have played in the mud, but not for years. I didn't so much do it to get dirty (though that was the end result) but to make pies, soup, and other delicious loam-made recipes. I outgrew it around the same time the Mom started letting me help out in the real kitchen with real food.

I have been to a drive-in theater, but never on a date, or even a double-date. The best thing about it was bringing in our own food. The worst thing about it was, usually, the movie, except Die Hard, which had Alan Rickman being horrible to Bruce Willis, but incredibly hot just the same.

I have never been in a movie, and I don't really need to be in one, but if anyone ever wants to make a movie about me, I want Nikki Blonsky to play me.

I have never visited the Great Wall of China, but I've eaten the spiciest kung pao chicken of my life at Great Wall on Kelsey Avenue in West Haven. It was so hot people in China were asking for extra rice and a refill on their ice water. So it ought to count.

I have never started a business, but I have helped new businesses (and existing ones) market new products to get started or branch out.

I went to one martial arts class. It was judo, and the first night was free. Thereafter, each class was some ridiculous amount of money I couldn't afford on my allowance (I was under thirteen) and I couldn't get a ride to the classes anyway.

I have never visited Russia, but I ate at Chickwick's, which had a guy working there who looked like the late River Phoenix, bringing me dish after dish of lovely Russian and Ukrainian food, saying with each course, "Do you like that? I made it." When he brought out the tea after dinner, the Mom said "What? He didn't make the samovar?"

I have served at many a soup kitchen, answered phones at many telethons, cooked turkey and trimmings for many a holiday food line, and played Santa's elf twice. I can't always afford to give money, you see.

I have never sold Girl Scout Cookies as a Girl Scout, but I have called That Man of Mine from work to find out whether I should get one or two boxes of Thin Mints, only to have him give me an order from every single person in his office.

I have never gone whale watching. I have always wanted to go whale watching.

Not only have I received flowers for no reason, I have also sent flowers for no reason. That said, I don't really feel right getting flowers, because I have guilt that someone spent money on something for me that will be dead inside of a week. That does not stop me from sending flowers, because I have too many people I care about who really love getting them. I hope, someday, to have money again, so I can start surprising people with flowers again.

I donated whole blood and platelets, but never plasma, until I was permanently deferred for health reasons. Just one pint of whole blood short of getting my gallon pin, dammit.

I have never gone sky diving. I have been sidewalk-diving, but never by choice.

I have never visited a Nazi concentration camp. I think I ought to.

I have bounced a few checks in my time, but only twice due to my own overspending, as opposed to bad accounting (see "giving more charity than one can afford") or someone else screwing with my funds. The latest one, a bounce due to a fraud charge at Wachovia, which they later admitted was a genuine fraud on their books and they reimbursed me, plus the overdraft fee, was the one that led me to close out my Wachovia account, because before he found the notice about the fraud, the customer service agent proceeded to treat me like dogshit for overdrawing my account, then, when I was exhausted, nearly in tears, and humiliated, asked me if there was anything else he could do for me, and I bloody well thought of something.

I have flown in a helicopter once. It was a traffic chopper. Great view; noisier than a thrash metal band with a jackhammer percussion section.

I have saved many of my favorite childhood toys, and if anyone ever tries to make me get rid of them, I am prepared to defend them to the death.

I have never visited the Lincoln Memorial. I meant to do so before leaving the east coast. Another thing which never happened due to the state of my finances.

I have eaten caviar many times. I am terribly fond of it. Champagne tastes on a Budweiser budget, that's what they call that.

I have never pieced a quilt. Even before I had trouble holding a needle, I had trouble not getting bored sewing two pieces of cloth together.

I have stood in Times Square. I have walked in Times Square. I have even tap-danced on Forty-Second Street. I have never roller skated in the fountain at Central Park (my high school yearbook ambition), but I can be happy if I've a mind to.

I have never toured the Everglades. No real desire to. We had a marsh in the woods behind our house if you wanted to wander far enough in. Marshes do not interest me as much as marshmallows, and I can get those at the nearest CVS.

I was fired (as opposed to having my position eliminated due to budgetary constraints) from the same job twice. The first time, I was rehired again within a few hours and the person who fired me was fired. The second time, it took them two weeks to fire the person who had fired me and call me to please come back, and in those two weeks I had gotten a new job. I offered to come back if they would pay me what my new job was paying me (a lot more), but not otherwise, and they said they would see about it and call me back, but they never did, which did not really surprise me.

I have seen the Changing of the Guards in London. The precision of the procession is very cool. It's sort of like watching the fountain show at the Bellagio, only the light moisture you get on your skin comes from the atmosphere and not from wayward spray. In fact, the Bellagio played at least one Elton John song and one Sarah Brightman, so it was almost more British — the Changing of the Guards pretty much stuck to American music.

I have had broken bones, but nothing major. Right big toe, twice; right pinky once.

I have never been on a speeding motorcycle. I have been on ones that were doing the speed limit, though.

I know I live here, but I still have not yet seen the Grand Canyon in person, nor Hoover Dam. I will, as soon as time, work schedules, and the weather permits, all at once. And yes, the irony of the fact that Andy worked for a company that conducted tours of both places, whilst I was under his charity roof, has not escaped me.

Why, yes; I have published a book. Thanks for asking. And remember, it's never too late to send it to someone you love as a holiday gift.

I have never visited the Vatican. I would have liked to have done, during Pope John Paul II, but I don't care much for (and am a little afraid of) Pope Benedict XVI. John Paul II made headlines with his wisdom, his quest for peace and harmony, and his willingness to tackle challenges. I never hear any news about Benedict XVI, and he gives off the impression that either he's all, well, I'm already Pope, let me just sit around Vatican City and be a figurehead for the Church; or he's all, I don't want to go out in public, I might get secularism all over my new coat.

I have never bought a brand new car. Puh. LEEZE. I haven't bought brand-new clothing besides underwear in a few years now.

I have never walked in Jerusalem. I hope to, one day; not as much for the religion as for the historical and archæological aspects. I am a Golfwidowist — the G0D I believe in is just as close to my heart here in Vegas as in any holy city to which you can get me a cheap flight and hotel.

I have had my picture in the newspaper a few times: for spelling bees; any number of essay contests; once using the brand-new computer (an Apple 2e, plugged into a television turned to channel 4 because there was no such thing as dedicated monitors in those days) at Savin Rock School; and once for concert band at Carrigan (I miss you, Mr. G.), a picture which still hung in the lobby showcase the last time I had occasion to visit the school many years later.

I have read the entire Bible, including the New Testament and the Apocrypha, cover to cover, twice. My mother told me you have to at least try what's on your plate before you can say, honestly, that you don't like it. The bad part of this is that certain people will tell me I'm going to hell because of any particular chapter and verse they care to take out of context. The good part of this is the exact same thing, because I'm already familiar with the text and can defend myself pretty well.

I have never visited the White House. I hope never to have to. I wanted to, while the last president was in office ruining, I mean running, everything, but only to commit an assassination. I don't like being that angry, and I'm hoping our next president will make me perfectly content to remain at home where I belong, not committing any crimes of treason or murder.

I have never killed and prepared an animal for eating, unless oysters and lobsters count, in which case, I've done it hundreds of times.

I have had chickenpox. I don't recommend them. Not only do they mad-itch, but I was very feverish (and when I get feverish, I get delirious) when I had them.

I have saved a life or two; mostly by calling an ambulance quickly, once by pulling a drunk partygoer to a sitting position so he wouldn't choke. Never really, hands-on livesaving, so far.

I sat on a jury. It was a civil case, and I was an alternate. I had to stay for two damned weeks, and also go to work (a night shift) because they wouldn't give me time off. I began hallucinating due to lack of sleep. Then, at the end of the case, they wouldn't let me stay for the verdict because I was only an alternate.

I have met, and even spoken to, some famous people in my time, but I don't think I ever made a permanent impression on any of them.

I have never joined a book club. In fact, the librarian just approached me about one, run by a locally known writing teacher and author, but left me alone thereafter when I pointed out two grammatical errors and one misspelling in the flier.

Yes, I have lost a loved one. More than one. I recognize that this is all a part of life, and I know, from experience, that I am able to cope with loss and move on with my own existence, but I don't have to like it.

I have never had a baby. And I don't care what my mother says — I don't have to at least try having one to know I wouldn't like it.

I have never seen the Alamo in person. As far as remembering the Alamo is concerned, it perturbs me that I am more able to recall that Ozzy Osbourne once got into trouble for having a public pee there, than to recall off the top of my head why I'm supposed to remember the Alamo from a historical aspect. I know it was a battle that had to do with Davy Crockett and Sam Houston, but that's all I got. (For the record, I've also never rented a car from Alamo.)

I have never swum in the Great Salt Lake, nor the Dead Sea, but I do love beauty products made from Dead Sea salts and minerals. My skin reacts very positively to them.

I have been involved in a law suit, if you count a delinquent credit card coming back to haunt me years after I thought I'd finished paying them off. They settled. I never actually had to go to court for it or anything.

I have owned a cell phone. I actually need to get a new one. I would hereby like to request anyone with a lot of experience in the subject to voice off in my comments: please recommend a service I can afford, with decent, patient customer care.

I have been stung by two bees. Or not two bees, that is the question. Twice. I'll start again. I have, on two occasions, been stung, one bee per sting-incidence.

I have read entire books in single days, many times. I learned to read quickly when there would be only one copy of a book in the house that at least three people all wanted to read at once. By becoming the fastest reader, I ensured that I would get first crack.

And that's that. See you in 2009.

Tags: new year

drinking: coffee
listening to: The Wh♂, Christmas
latest ailment: nosebleed. i'll survive. but the pillowcase is probably a goner