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this land is my land
01/11/2009 = 09:05 AM

In the following linked clip, Eddie Izzard explains how properly to claim a nation in your own name. (Thanks to Faiqa, who showed me this first and also for being kind of blog-love at first read, and thanks to Avi for pointing me to Faiqa, and so on and so on like shampoo adverts.)

I love the hell out of Eddie Izzard. I mostly love him because he expresses himself the way I always want to express myself and kind of fall short, and I also can't help loving how much money he's raised for Amnesty International and the Prince's Trust. It makes me forgive him for looking better in makeup and heels than I do.

But the point I meant to make, before I got all .:mrwowr:. about Eddie Izzard, was that (in case you didn't click the link) he says all one really needs to have in order to claim land is a flag and a gun. Yay colonization.

I don't necessarily need to have my own sovereign nation, but it occurred to me: if I did, I fall short.

I live in Vegas, so getting a gun is probably not a problem, but I haven't got a flag, so that would be a bit of a constraint.

Which then led me to decide I'd better design a flag quickly, in case I do need to have a country at some point. One doesn't want to be caught short without at least one conquest on one's résumé. Interviewers look for that shit.

So I set out at once to make the Golfwidonia version of the Stars and Stripes, and here it is: Old Bore-y:

Otherwise known as the Penguins and Pretzels.

I figured, while I was at it, I would start planning out other conquestish sorts of things, so I'll be prepared to begin being sovereign as quickly as possible.

As soon as I decided that, however, I decided I didn't want to be in charge. So the Mom is going to be Empress Penguin, and everybody is going to have to answer to her. Actually, you should already be doing that. She is, in New England patois, wicked smaht.

Other Fun Golfwidonia Facts, In Case It Becomes a Category on Jeopardy:

• The main imports are beer and coffee. Which, by default, makes the main export a whole lot of pee. Oddly, there isn't a big market for Golfwidonian pee, but they keep exporting it anyway.
• The economy in Golfwidonia is just short of being a Third-World Nation requiring assistance from an Eddie Izzard fundraising campaign.
• The National Anthem of Golfwidonia is the Overture from Tommy, because the Golfwidonians want their own spinoff episode of CSI.
• The national bird is, of course, the penguin, but the national fish is sushi-grade tuna.
• There is no national religion or pizza topping. Golfwidonia doesn't think one should mix church and state and further recognizes that politics and pizza emotion make bad bedfellows.
• Golfwidonia bans real weapons, which means that any countries we claim, we're going to stick the Penguins and Pretzels into their front lawn, then shoot all the natives with marshmallow guns. Then we will all celebrate the conquest by toasting the marshmallows and making s'more's. Please note that the Empress Penguin does not like her marshmallows scorched and drippy — she only wants them browned lightly and barely melted.
• To become a Golfwidonian, one must take a pledge in which one may no longer use the non-word "irregardless." Also, Golfwidonians don't like terrorists, so if your mind bends that way, you're going to have to invade, because we're not going to just let you in, irrespective and regardless of how good your skills in the English language are. Don't think we're defenseless just because we ban real weapons. We have kittens and we're not afraid to use them.

Tags: flag

drinking: coffee with orange peel twist. it seemed like a good idea. it was
listening to: Aztec Two-Step, Your Anybody's Me
yesterday's food overdose: napa cabbage. i feel like a damned rabbit. but it was really good