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watch this
10/29/2009 = 07:41 PM

Without a working computer, you would think that I'd watch more television, and I do watch quite a bit, but I've noticed that, even with my favorite shows, I'm able to announce in advance what's going to happen in that particular episode and I'm nearly always right.

Ace of Cakes: The team will need to deliver a cake to an important event, and it will fall apart enroute, but Geof will repair it, and the customers will never know, at least, until the episode airs.

The Biggest Loser: The challenge will be something obviously detrimental to weight loss success and someone will go for it anyway because he or she is trying harder to attain TV popularity and gain control of the game than to attain good health and gain control of his or her life.

Bizarre Foods: Andrew Zimmern will go someplace far away from here and eat slugs.

CSI (any city): The lead investigator will deliver the snappiest line right before The Wh♂ starts the theme song. The episode will begin to suck right after the music stops. Including the commercials.

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives: Guy will go into the restaurant's kitchen to watch a signature dish being prepared, and he will tell the chef it's off the hook.

The Electric Company: Even in its new incarnation, minus Bill Cosby or Morgan Freeman, it will still be a hip, fascinating way for kids to learn to read, but I will keep finding myself saying, at the end of every episode, "But ... what about ... Naomi?" because I am old.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition: I will cry at the end, not because it's so heartwarming, but because I'm so jealous.

Game shows (any): We will tell the contestant the correct answer at the top of our lungs and he will still blow it.

Iron Chef America: The challenger will lose to Bobby Flay despite the fact that Flay will make chipotle the theme ingredient no matter what the actual theme ingredient actually is. Also, we will wonder for the millionth time why Ted Allen hasn't yet scratched out Jeffrey Steingarten's eyes.

The Jeff Dunham Show: I will be the only person in America wondering how a Woozle named "Peanut" can be allergic to peanuts.

Man versus Food: Adam Richman will eat something so spicy it has no intrinsic flavor of its own, or he will eat too much of something non-spicy in an effort to prove that he can consume more in a single sitting than an entire family of four can eat in a week.

Mythbusters: Adam Savage will whine that the viewers keep emailing him with nitpicky rebuttals to the findings of a previous episode. Then they will blow something up. Jamie Hyneman will pick up a fragment of debris, hold it in front of the camera, and say, "Well, there's your problem."

NCIS: Tony will say something inane and Gibbs will bitchslap him.

Ninja Warrior: Anyone funny will fall off the first obstacle in Stage 1.

No Reservations: Tony Bourdain will eat noodles out of a dirty commode for breakfast, rotted fish for lunch, and bull penis for dinner, but will skip the finest buffets on the Vegas strip because he has cleanliness standards.

Paula's Home Cooking: See also Paula's Party, Paula's Best Dishes, et cetera. Paula will make deep-fried butter with a mayonnaise dipping sauce that is out of this world.

Project Runway: One designer will turn some quality fabric into a hot raggedy-assed mess and try to pass it off as avant-garde. He will get voted "auf" for his crappy workmanship and will say "Thank you for the opportunity," but will claim that he was robbed because the judges didn't understand his vision.

Sporting events (any): See "Game shows".

Throwdown: Bobby Flay will "put a southwestern twist" onto whatever dish he's throwing down against, even if it's already southwestern.

Top Gear: Jeremy will make fun of Richard for being too short and James for being too slow, then he will declare his undying love for Kristin Scott Thomas, then he will pose a completely invalid argument supposedly proving why his favorite car that week is superior to anyone else's choice, then he will insist upon a drag race.

The Universe: Everything you know is wrong, and the gravitational pull of a distant star accounts for the weird asymmetry of Alex Filipenko's eyes.

The News: We all hate each other and we have no money. Natural disasters are destroying everything, spills on the freeway are stopping traffic, your favorite celebrity couple is calling it quits, and your sports team lost. Have a good evening.

The Daily Show: Jon Stewart will prove yet again that he's too smart for the room.

The Colbert Report: So will Stephen Colbert.

Dr. Phil: Dr. Phil won't.

Tags: television

drinking: nothing
listening to: nothing
movie i liked better than i had any business to, this week: becoming jane