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olds (as opposed to "news")
05/01/2010 = 05:06 AM

I am still only functioning at about fifty percent creativity. However, what little I do have is amusing to me, so why not spread the wealth, eh?

"She opened the box, and her eyes sparkled like a vampire in a bad novel."

(I love that line so much I want to patent it.)

Yes, Mommy, I know a cupcake cannon would be a terrible waste of food in a world when so many people don't have enough. That knowledge does not prevent me from a) wanting one so that I could shoot crabby people into a state of "yum, cupcakes," but also b) wanting to be shot with one myself.

I still think a "Dislike" button on Facebook is a bad idea. What, haters need another, faster way to slam your opinion? On the other hand, sometimes I am extremely frustrated by Facebook's failure to provide an "Oh, HELL yes!" button.

A recent quote from RuPaul's Drag Race: "I've realised there's more to life than just being better than everybody." I'm actually glad no one's ever said that to me, because my complete lack of brain filtration would have led me to reply, "How on earth would you have been the one to come to that realization?"

The Mom says, "Nothing you ever learn is wasted." My friend Lara says, "An education is something no one can ever take away from you." I say, "Education is one of the few things you can have, share as much as you want with as many people as you want, and come away with more than you started." Yet somehow, this does not stop me from buying energy beverages fizzy-lifting drinks based not on nutritional content or value, but on how cute the picture on the can is.

I'm tired of Justin Bieber (whoever he is), I'm tired of Tiger Woods (whoever he thinks he is), I'm tired of Bret Michaels (he hasn't been somebody in ages, but someone forgot to tell him), and I'm tired of Jane Velez-Mitchell's hair. How can anyone report accurately on current events whilst sporting what can only be described as a newsmullet? Seriously, Jane. Carol Brady called. No, she didn't say, "I want my hair back;" she said, "Keep the hair. I moved past that shitmop forty years ago."

Something tells me I don't get out enough. You think?

Tags: random

drinking: max velocity uncaged energy beverage fizzy-lifting drink
listening to: Elvis Presley, Hurt
cute picture on can: cheetah. i should drink this with cheetos