givin

What This Is

I'm trying an experiment where, any money I can get my greedy little paws on, I'm going to put at least ten percent of it back into the world where it's needed.

A lot of rich people say that the more they give, the more they get. So I will freely admit that this really is about greed on my part, but if I'm helping at the same time, I'm hoping to feel less guilty about it.

I guess you could say I'm trying to create a charmed life, as Victoria Moran advises, but without being able to afford her books right now, it's hard to say if I'm going about it right.

I'm also curious to see if it's really true. This is going to be an interesting way for me to track what happens.

Seriously, I legitimately want to help a lot of charities, but never have any money to do so. So, lately, I haven't been able to afford to do my share, and I feel very suckworthy about that.

The only way I know of to earn money (other than my day job, which is draining all the life from me at the same time as my life drains all the money from it) is to write, so here I am.

Most, if not all, of the sponsored-post blog companies require about a three-to-one ratio of regular writing to sponsored writing. Therefore, I will have a category of posts in this blog called "Freeposting," consisting of some crossposts from golfwidow.net and some items I may write exclusively for this blog. The purpose of freeposting will be to maintain the three-to-one ratio and keep the quality of my content as active and readable as possible.

The balance of the posts in this blog will endorse a variety of sponsors, with a twist:

Rather than taking the total payments for these writing assignments for myself, which only did me the disservices of a) making me feel very greedy and selfish and b) eventually drying up the assignments, I am planning on donating at least ten percent (more when I can afford it) of the profits from anything made on this page to charity.

I started this project, literally, with nothing.

There's enough house money (barely) for the mortgage and bills, but for precious little else.

So I had just spent the last four bucks and change I had in cash by dumping it into a random veteran's can outside Sam's Club and hurrying away, too embarrassed by his effusion even to accept the crépe paper flower he was trying to press into my hands.

I donated the last $10 in my Mad Money bank account to sponsor RonMon's forthcoming attempt to make it through a hundred holes of golf in the middle of June.

Yesterday, I built and began populating this blog.

I was out of money, but I was beginning to stop thinking only of myself, which was my goal.

I still have no money.

But I got to spend yesterday afternoon with a dear friend who treated me to dinner (and ice cream), and today, not only did I find out that I sold another copy of my book, but that it had been bought by one of my favorite authors, and he sent me an email telling me nice things about my writing, which has cheered me up immensely.

I'll take it.

I feel the need to post something positive and uplifting about my efforts today, especially in light of the fact that the Bank, in wisdom infinite, decided that my Mad Money account was overdrawn by $1 (yes, that does say one dollar) and saw fit to charge me not one, but two overdraft fees, thus rewarding my efforts to be charitable and begin living a Charmed Life á la Victoria Moran with a charming debit of $70.

Thank you, the Universe. I owe you one.

Well, I still have no money, and the Universe is still peeing all over every glimmer of possibility I start to believe in, and the Public Radio Talent Questers still think I'm a thief.

However, I won a $5 Amazon Gift Certificate on Blingo.

Blingo, if you've never heard of it, is a totally free search engine, powered by Google, with the difference being that its sponsored ads and the fact that it's partnered with the Publishers' Clearinghouse mean that, randomly, you may go in to do a search and win a prize.

It doesn't cost you anything to use. And you can use it without joining, but it's better to join, because if you do, and then someone signs up under your referral, and they win something, you get one of whatever they got, too.

Hence the fact that all the links I'm putting up here are links that would get you started on registering under my referral.

But anyway, I won a $5 gift certificate, which isn't enough to buy anything and I can't yet combine it with my Mad Money to buy something at $5 off, due to the Mad Money having gotten angry and left.

But when the Mad Money comes back, I will buy something, probably a gift for someone else. Just to keep testing the Charmed Life factor and see how it progresses.

Also, because I won, so did Pesky, under whose referral I enrolled, so at least I was able to do that much for another person.

And, I won fifty credits by surfing Blog Explosion, which isn't money and cannot be donated to charity, but maybe that's some Charmed Life coming back to me a little bit.

I cannot help but feel more positive than I did yesterday.

I'm pretty sure this isn't how it's supposed to work.

I'm trying to give to charity whenever I can. Ten percent of what I have at any given time, plus all my loose change, I have been giving to good causes.

Instead of increasing my good fortune so that I can give more of myself, Fate is snatching away all of my possibilities, so that the charities are actually coming out ahead and I'm the one in the hole.

I want to sob at the unfairness of it all, but instead I'm going to keep plugging away at it, because, if nothing else, the charities ARE actually coming out ahead.

I'm hoping to put a few extra pennies into my Paypal account (and thence transfer them to my bank account) to avoid future overdrafts caused by being short by one lousy dollar due to having made a donation at the minimum amount permitted by the charitable organization in question. Yes, this happened; thanks so much, the Universe.

To that end, I have found a couple of pay-to-click sites. One is called Adbux, the other is GOT-2-PAY. They appear to work via the same means as Blog Explosion, except that, instead of visiting other people's blogs for at least thirty seconds, one must visit ads. Also unlike Blog Explosion, Adbux and GOT-2-PAY pay in pennies, literally.

Pennies are not great, but are accepted by charitable organizations. Blog Explosion credits, not so much.

This explains the respective referral programs for both sites pretty well, but is hooked specifically from the Adbux website:

At AdBux, you get paid to click on ads and visit websites. The process is easy! You simply click a link and view a website for 30 seconds to earn money. You can earn even more by referring friends. You'll get paid $0.01 for each website you personally view and $0.01 for each website your referrals view. Payment requests can be made every day and are processed through PayPal. The minimum payout is $10.00.

Earnings Example

• You click 10 ads per day = $0.10!
• 10 referrals click 10 ads per day = $1.00!
• Your weekly earnings = $7.70!
• Your monthly earnings = $30.80!

The above example is based only on 10 referrals and 10 daily clicks. Some days you will have more clicks available, some days you will have less. What if you had more referrals? What if there were more ads available?

JOIN NOW! It's Free!

The GOT-2-PAY one is essentially the same except that it's I think about 3¢ per click.

Obviously, I'm going to ask you to please register under my referrals.

I hope this works.

I hope something works.

I'm beginning to be very frustrated with all of my efforts at being positive, cheerful, and giving being rewarded by everyone and everything else being negative, critical, and selfish at my expense. It's the sort of thing that makes it a little difficult to Find My Happy Place.

I have decided to try to list things I am happy about every morning when I wake up. This is, I hope, going to offset my frustration at such "grrr" occurrences as the fact that I was supposed to be able to transfer $200 from our house account ($20 of said money already earmarked for a specific charitable organization) for my trip to New York today, due to my having sacrificed my Mad Money not once but twice to cover the mortgage.

And do we hear three times? Sold.

Fate, the people of Darfur just got hosed out of $20, thanks to your efforts.

Sigh.

Things I Am Happy About:

1. I still get to make my trip to New York.
2. My mother, who is the light of my life and I don't know what I would do without her, is going too, and I love spending time with her.
3. Not only did she, without thinking, insist that I go, she insisted that she would pay for everything.
4. She also offered to hand me some cash, surreptitiously, so my friends that we're meeting wouldn't see how destitute I am.
5. Oh! We're meeting new friends. That's a good thing. They're all blogfriends, except one, but I know her from her podcast, so it's almost the same thing.
6. We get to see one of my Real Life friends this morning. She was supposed to come with us, but she's not feeling well.
7. She still insisted on dropping us off and picking us up at the station, and having breakfast with us before we go.
8. My mother is going, and I don't have to worry about getting lost, because she has the innate sense of direction that I seem to have been born completely without.
9. My jeans fit. And not too snugly, either. Fit fit.
10. My hair is kind of cute. Not sure how it will hold up in New York humidity, but still. Cute.
11. I smell really good.
12. I'm not the one stuck in Connecticut babysitting my father whilst everyone else is having a good time. No, that'd be my husband.
13. I feel a lot worse about that than I ought to under the circumstances, but I am consoled by the fact that Fate (okay, Fate, I'll give you propers for this one) stepped in and made sure my mother was there to rescue me.
14. We're going to have French food in a fancy-schmancy bistro-ish place in the Village.
15. Did I mention my jeans fit?
16. I have a roof over my head still, and a home to come back to. We're probably going to see a lot of people without any of that, in New York.
17. I have painkillers if my knees start getting really bad whilst walking around.
18. We're going to one of the most interesting places in the United States, and we don't have to get on an airplane or show a passport to get there.
19. We're going to one of the most interesting places in the United States, and I might even have enough mental dexterity to write about it and convey what it was like, after I get home.
20. If I order a sandwich, it will come with cornichons. I love cornichons.

You are probably not going to believe this, but that worked amazingly well. I feel pretty damned awesome.

I mean, I totally forgot to be upset about the fact that it's raining.

Okay, I mentioned it here, just now, but I will offset it by sharing how much amusement I derived from the fact that, whilst I was taking my morning vitamins, I dropped a B-12 down the front of my cleavage and had to fish it out. Also to thank Fate for not letting that happen in public. So, rock.

Time to put on some makeup and start getting my good day on.

1. I walked way too much yesterday, and I'm horribly achy today, but I did manage it, without whining too too much or holding people up too too badly.
2. I got to meet some of the most fun people in the world, yesterday.
3. The TCM display at Grand Central Station. Seeing it online is nice, but being right there in front of it is magical.
4. Seeing the New York Public Library again for the first time in about a million years.
5. That tiny break dancer outside the library was so sweet he made my teeth ache. I gave him my ten percent for the day, and it was worth every penny.
6. We had a great breakfast and a great lunch, and my lunch portion was so huge that I was able to tote most of it home, eat the remaining fries for dinner, and still have half my baguette left over for today.
7. This conversation:
   
   The Mom: I showed my husband how to use it, but he wouldn't believe it till my son came over and showed him the same exact thing.
   Me: It's because you have no penis.
   The Mom: Why would I want one of those? They make you stupid.
8. Rosie, the Last Dog On Earth.
9. Being out of Connecticut, where it apparently rained all day long.
10. Not having to go out today if it decides to rain all day long again.
11. Quin understands the concept of Evil Golden Children who, if you get sick, they immediately have to get sicker because heaven forbid your being the center of attention for five lousy seconds.
12. Lisa understands the concept of leaving the house with smooth hair and having a Roseanne Roseannadanna explosion about five minutes later. Hair Wars: Revenge of the Humidity.
13. I can have a nap later. I spent a lot of years working weekends or carrying a pager that could go off any second. There's no end to the amount of appreciation I have for being able to nap, for no good reason other than that I can.
14. Everyone loved my fingernails.
15. I love my fingernails.
16. I petted so many cute dogs on Bleecker Street yesterday I felt like I was judging at Crufts.
17. Coming back to Connecticut, where there were just as many puddles, but none of them carried with them the distinct odor of eau du diaper.

1. As of today, I have officially outlived Marilyn Monroe.
2. Three more years and I'll have Anna Nicole Smith beaten as well.
3. I am None the Worse for Wear.
4. In fact, I am on my period, which ought by definition not to be on the list of happy, positive things (especially when you consider how much physical discomfort and inconvenience it creates for me) but if nothing else, it's a sign that everything's still working right.
5. My hair is pretty cute, again.
6. I'm wearing my pink shirt that makes my skin look so rosy.
7. I had a great weekend.
8. I'm going to have a lot of work to catch up, because I took Friday off, but I am smart, competent, and sufficiently good at time management that I'll probably have a good portion of it taken care of by the end of the day, even if more work shows up between now and then.
9. I'll have to talk to some stupid, rude people, but I'll also get to talk to Evelyn, Paul, and Gregg, who are always really nice to me.
10. There were tons of new ads on Adbux and Got-2-Pay today. I must have made twelve cents.
11. I always want to spell "Got-2-Pay" as "Got Toupee?"
12. My husband did the grocery shopping yesterday. Granted, he didn't tell me he was going, so there were a lot of things forgotten, a lot of things he didn't know we were going to need, and a lot of things we didn't need, but at least I have something with which to begin planning this week's menus.
13. Also (one of the things we didn't need), he got those new peanut butter Oreos. I don't know why everyone's wrinkling their noses up at that concept, particularly the same people who supposedly like Reese's. They remind one of crunchy Reese's.
14. Granted, I can't have Oreos with milk (best way to have them) unless I really want to aggravate my dairy allergy, but I did have them with a cream soda yesterday (didn't dunk 'em; I'm not that odd), and they tasted pretty fine to me.
15. I figured out who the Last Guy on Earth reminds me of: a young version of Roger Rees, who played Robin Colcord on Cheers. And let us say, mrwowr.
16. Young Frankenstein was on TCM last night. I love that freaking movie.
17. Mine is not the car in our lot with the front all crumpled up and the smashed headlight.
18. Nor is it the one with the side door that's crumpled in the same shape as the front of the car with the smashed headlight.
19. Nor am I the drunken driver of the front-crumpled car who actually believes our side-crumpled neighbor is going to look at that and say, Hrm, it will be a mystery forever as to who did this.
20. I didn't forget my best friend's birthday, yesterday. I couldn't afford to get her anything, and my life is kind of crazy, but remembering to shout out to her and make her feel special on her day didn't cost me anything at all.

... how easy these lists would roll once one starts to pick up momentum?

I imagine there will be mornings when I'm just not up for it. In fact, it's such nice sleep-weather this morning: the perfect temperature, not too much natural light in the room — I got ready for work and seriously considered just going back to bed till it was time to leave.

I figured, yes, I did want to try to do a wake-up happy-things list, but maybe I could do one in my head and write it down later.

Then I remembered that the office web filters would probably make it impossible for me to try to earn my daily nickel at Adbux and Got-2-Pay, so I sat down at the computer to look at the ads like a good scout.

After that, I went and clicked all the free charity links, because I am still Teh Broke.

Once that was done, I decided, as long as I'm here, might as well do my shining happy people list too.

1. I'm achy as hell but I can still walk. I really don't want to get to a point where I have to be pushed. That will suck. I'm not there yet. No suck.
2. My husband, who won't eat healthfully if it's my idea but will if he thinks it's his idea, bought a lot of lovely salad greens the other day, so yes, he's very smart, and yay, I get good salad.
3. Last night I was more in the mood for crap, because, as I mentioned, I'm in the beginning stages of my Delightful Few Days, and we went to Five Guys.
4. Again, had this been my idea, it would have been shot down. Mr. I Want to Eat Healthier suggested it, and I "meekly complied," which suited his Control Freak nature and my craving for french fries.
5. We had an awesome, albeit short, thunderstorm last night.
6. I got a lot accomplished at work yesterday.
7. With only one exception (which had no urgent deadline and I purposely left for today, so that I would feel less rushed working on it), anything that didn't get accomplished got held up not because of me, but because of someone else.
8. Without exception, the things that got held up because of someone else are all documented such that another party is witness to the reasons behind the delays.
9. I looked at the calendar and I think I might take July 3rd off, so I can have two days off for the 4th of July. Also, usually our town does fireworks on the 3rd (though last year, they did them in June. No one's really sure why). Anyway, another vacation day will be nice, and I won't be stuck in the office waiting for a ride home if they dismiss everyone early, as they often do the day before a holiday.
10. I always feel like I did a very smart thing by drinking all of my daily allotment of water. I do it so often I ought to stop looking at it as a big deal, but shit, I'm proud of myself. I drank my eight glasses yesterday and I rock.
11. And I'm going to do it again today.
12. Tonight is Taco Tuesday. He will not eat healthfully (meat and cheese and soft flour tacos), but I will make a taco salad with salsa and some of those nice greens (and yes, meat and cheese; I'm not immune), and avocado. Maybe beans, if I have some. He did the shopping, as we recall.
13. If I skip my pain meds, I will also have beer. That remains to be seen. Either way — if I get to have beer, that's a positive thing, and if I have pain and can take a pain pill for it, that's also a positive thing.
14. I think this blog might be getting enough substance in it to where I could, conceivably, start pimping it out for some professionally sponsored writing, and make some money. I will feel like so much less of a drain when I can put a little back where it belongs.

1. Everybody was accusatory and unsatisfied this past week, and I was put on the defensive all day, every day. However, nothing was, ultimately, my fault, and I think I covered my ass admirably and with a minimum of rantiness and bad attitude. At least, I hope I did.
2. My left knee was in agony most of last week as well, which meant that, despite hating to do it, I had to get up in the middle of the night and take something, so I have been coping with daytime medicine head. You may wonder how this winds up on my positive list. It's like the guy who hits himself with the hammer — it just feels so good when it stops. I'm not quite as sharp as I'd like, but I can walk.
3. Lynnda won a Blingo prize: another $5 gift certificate from Amazon. This does affect me, because she signed up under my referral, which means I get one too, just for sitting at work and being put on the defensive. I couldn't afford to get anything with the one I had, but maybe now that I have two I can combine them at some point.
4. I did my little wake-up-and-be-grateful every day, but I didn't have time to post it, because I had medicine head every morning and couldn't get motivated to move till it was time to get out the door and go do things to get paid. But that's almost like getting rest. And I did do it.
5. Today is Saturday, and I'm supposedly going to get to go shopping and possibly to lunch. I takes my fun where I can gets it.
6. Andy sent me, amongst other items, a penguin-shaped Zippo. I can just barely, if I hold it in two hands and push hard, work the thing with my sad-arsed arthritic hands, I don't smoke anymore, and I can't travel with it because lighters are hardly allowed on any public transportation anymore. He was probably happy to get rid of it. But I don't care, 'cos, hello, penguin; it's cute.
7. 
   Try not being positive with this for your desktop.

1. Everybody was accusatory and unsatisfied this past week, and I was put on the defensive all day, every day. However, nothing was, ultimately, my fault, and I think I covered my ass admirably and with a minimum of rantiness and bad attitude. At least, I hope I did.
2. My left knee was in agony most of last week as well, which meant that, despite hating to do it, I had to get up in the middle of the night and take something, so I have been coping with daytime medicine head. You may wonder how this winds up on my positive list. It's like the guy who hits himself with the hammer — it just feels so good when it stops. I'm not quite as sharp as I'd like, but I can walk.
3. Lynnda won a Blingo prize: another $5 gift certificate from Amazon. This does affect me, because she signed up under my referral, which means I get one too, just for sitting at work and being put on the defensive. I couldn't afford to get anything with the one I had, but maybe now that I have two I can combine them at some point.
4. I did my little wake-up-and-be-grateful every day, but I didn't have time to post it, because I had medicine head every morning and couldn't get motivated to move till it was time to get out the door and go do things to get paid. But that's almost like getting rest. And I did do it.
5. Today is Saturday, and I'm supposedly going to get to go shopping and possibly to lunch. I takes my fun where I can gets it.
6. Andy sent me, amongst other items, a penguin-shaped Zippo. I can just barely, if I hold it in two hands and push hard, work the thing with my sad-arsed arthritic hands, I don't smoke anymore, and I can't travel with it because lighters are hardly allowed on any public transportation anymore. He was probably happy to get rid of it. But I don't care, 'cos, hello, penguin; it's cute.
7. 
   Try not being positive with this for your desktop.

1. My friends are awesome and made me feel much better about some of the things that have been depressing me lately. To a person, they insisted that the bad karma I'm experiencing is as baffling to them as it is to me, and if they're not seeing bad action on my part that needs to be corrected, then maybe it's not as, well, bad, as I think it is.
2. I got up the courage to ask my mother for some help on my Mad Money account. I won't ask her for house money — I got myself into that mess and it's up to me to get out of it — but the Mad Money can't be at a zero balance. I need a cushion, not for buying things, but for making sure I don't get hit with an overdraft when I do need to break into it. It was scary asking her, and I don't know yet if she'll say yes, but I cowboyed up and asked, which is the second worst part for me.
3. Accepting it will be the first worst part, but we'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it.
4. I had ice cream yesterday. Not a lot by anyone's standards, and I had to have Benadryl beforehand or risk an allergic reaction, which means I pretty much fell asleep right afterward, but the ice cream, it is so good.
5. I read somewhere that I should surround myself with the color green whenever possible in order to have my life start focusing on the areas (creativity, balance, generosity) that I want to make positive changes in. I like green.
6. I had mint ice cream yesterday.
7. This blog got accepted into a sponsored blog program yesterday, so I will put aside some time and start writing sponsored blogs very shortly.
8. I got spam in the podcast email account from James Dean. The subject said, "Waiting to hear from you." I said, "Keep waiting till you die. Oh, too late."
9. I would feel worse about that if I didn't believe that I'm in less trouble, karma-wise, than whomever took James Dean's name in vain to send spam in the first place.
10. It's Monday. Here's to making this week less stressful than last week was.

"What seems to be generosity is often no more than disguised ambition, which overlooks a small interest in order to secure a great one."
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Well, duh. I know I'm a selfish evil bitch. The best I can do is to make sure someone else benefits from it at the same time.

Welcome to the Good News from This World List for Today:

1. I had to call the bank today about an error they made, and while it won't be resolved for another twenty-four hours and I'll have to make yet another call after they take care of that, they had Gershwin for their hold music and I'll never get tired of Gershwin.
2. And they ARE resolving it. I cannot tell you how relieved I am.
3. My husband had $5 in his pocket yesterday. He gave $1 to the ubiquitous firemen collecting for the town's fireworks display and $1 to the MDA, then he took the rest into the convenience store and bought a diet Coke and a scratch-off ticket. The diet Coke quenched his thirst. The scratch-off won him $50.
4. We filled up the gas tank, gave another $5 to MDA, and had enough left to buy a couple of barbecue sandwiches at the Cookhouse, which is about the best place to get barbecue in our area, even if they did stop making the deep fried ribs.
5. When I got home, I checked my email and another site has offered me some paying blog article assignments, which I will accept most gladly.
6. I am making Jamaican beef tonight, which is one of my most delicious concoctions and you should be very jealous of my mad cooking skills. Ask your mom if you can come over for supper.
7. I saw Mike Rowe hosting a show on the History Channel whilst wearing a suit and tie. Furthermore, his face and hands were clean. I have never seen him looking so fine. Mrwowr.
8. I went to the Amazon website and found a used copy of Carl Sagan's Billions and Billions:: Thoughts on Life and Death at the Brink of the Millennium for $4 including shipping. I had a gift certificate for $5 from Blingo. Cost: FREE. Value: PRICELESS.
9. My friend's daughter graduated from high school yesterday. She'll be going to Southern to get her degree in history: she wants to teach. She's also a great writer.
10. Furthermore, my friend's sister had a baby on Tuesday. He's an uncle for the first time.
11. I had had no idea she was pregnant, and I said, "Why didn't you tell me? I could be the father and not even know it." Then I congratulated myself inwardly on being so bloody clever.

Some of these actually happened yesterday, when I did write this, but didn't have time to post it before work.

1. The department of the bank with which I had to finish resolving the error they made opens at 7:00 am, not 9, so I was able to get it all taken care of before I had to leave for work.
2. It's Saturday, which is the first of two delicious work-free days. (If you have spent as many years working holidays and weekends as I did, you'd appreciate having two back-to-back lazy days as much as I do.)
3. It's looking like pretty nice weather.
4. GMail was down for a few hours yesterday, which pissed me off mightily, till I realized that the reason I was so angry was that, in the three years I've had it, this is maybe the second time it wasn't available when I wanted it. No other email service, including my work email, has been that consistently reliable.
5. As soon as GMail was back up, I sent an email to Quin to get her new snail mail address, and today I will send her some mail. Getting mail that isn't bills is awesomeness.
6. Dion DiMucci, you still rock our worlds. Even if you're basically feeding an already overfed ego with your new song about Paris Hilton.
7. Speaking of Dions, Hilary Clinton, without a hint of irony, has selected a Celine Dion song as her campaign song. I'm not sure why this is on my Positive List, unless it's just knowing that she picked the song that she felt right about (as opposed to the song I suggested: Elton John's The Bitch is Back, but meant, as I explained in my comments, in the nicest possible way).
8. We should be going to eat at I'll Take Manhattan tonight, if all goes to plan. I've been twice and had different sandwiches each time. I'm aiming for a third.
9. I've been given inside scoop that Del Monte Bloom Energy Beverage Fizzy-Lifting Drink is delicious and as soon as I find some, I'm going to try it. I'm always on the lookout for new fizzy-lifting drinks.
10. I got used and abused yet again yesterday, and I still got every ass kicked and every name taken before the week ended.
11. I had a good long email exchange with a close friend who said, quote, "I still believe in you, kiddo." That goes a long way toward positivity.
12. I sent a picture of myself to the territory managers on the left coast with a message that said, "This is what I look like when I'm putting out your fires."
13. One of them sent back a message saying, "Why do you have on a tiara?" and I replied, "Tcha — because I rule."
14. That Cajun crunchy mix from Le Mart du Wal is delicious by itself, but I'm thinking recipes. A little rice, a little sausage, a little chicken, some Peppadews™, nice.
15. Facebook has free gifty-icons now. You don't have to pay $1 to send a cute picture to someone.

1. I had exactly, exactly $5 credit available in my Paypal account. I did not spend it on myself. I feel, not good about where I had to send it, but glad and relieved I was able to help, if only a little bit.
2. My husband took me to the post office yesterday, where I got a cute postcard for the mighty Quin.
3. Then, to my surprise, he took advantage of the nice weather to drive around a bit, stopping when I wanted to stop and listening to my suggestions and conversation. I was tempted to say, "Who are you and what did you do with my husband?"
4. I woke up far too early yesterday, and couldn't fall back asleep, but I managed to get a nap in, yesterday afternoon.
5. Then I went out to dinner with my mother and my friend. We did, in fact, go to the deli. I really love that place. It's comfortable, clean, good food and good service.
6. I have leftovers for today's lunch. Including my pickle. (I am a pickle pushover. I'm not sure why that is, but I'm fairly certain I come by it honestly.)
7. It took a while, as usual, for me to fall asleep last night, but I did sleep through, with the exception of a bathroom run. I drink a lot of water. If I don't wake up and pee, the consequences will be dire.
8. My best friend, who's been kind of blowing me off lately, sent me an email the other day of the sort that only makes sense to two people: herself and me. Also, she sent me one of those cute little free Facebook icon gifty-thingies. Yay not getting blown off.
9. I don't have a single thing on my agenda for today other than relaxing, and I intend to throw myself wholeheartedly into said task.

1. I had a really good weekend.
2. It looks like it's going to be a pretty day today.
3. C&C Black Cherry Soda is extremely black-cherryish.
4. People keep telling me I need to read The Secret. I know the secret. If someone can tell me that it's about something other than that thinking about stuff attracts more of the same stuff you're thinking about (think about positive stuff to get positive stuff; dwell on negative stuff and you'll keep getting negative stuff), I'll go ahead and read The Secret.
5. Till then, I'm just going to keep on doing what I'm doing: saving my money and not buying books, whilst pretending I'm already very serene, healthy, successful, and rich.
6. Oh, and I made my own visualizing tool on my PC, using Photoshop, so I don't need to buy a $25 workbook, either.
7. I'll make one for you, if you want one. Not for free. You'll need to make a $10 donation to the charity of your choice in my name.
8. I am fully aware that, since I post a lot of my dreams, ambitions, and desires online, I'm not keeping them secret, but I'm not one hundred percent convinced that "you shouldn't tell or it won't come true." That's okay for birthday candles, but for people who want to be successful writers, it might be more useful if someone who can help a writer could actually see that I'm a writer who needs some help.
9. Care2 keeps sending me butterflies, 'cos I'm making a difference with my little free clicks.
10. Whether I'm dealing with an active volcano, fugitives, aliens, or crazed country-western fans, I want Tommy Lee Jones on my side.

1. http://www.dlmwine.com/journey/generations.html. Yep, Journey-branded wine. Label autographed by the current members and proceeds going to the Bay Area Make-A-Wish Foundation. This appeals both to my sense of "yay, charity" and "yay, retro."
2. I found a site, http://www.charitynavigator.org/, that evaluates charities so you know how popular they are, how much of their proceeds gets channeled properly, and so forth. This is going to be a huge help to me.
3. I got a story accepted at Six Sentences. No pay, but exposure is always good, and the sitemaster was very praising of the piece I submitted. It'll be posted mid-July; I'll put up a link when it's up. UPDATE: It's up. Here is the link.

I think that's about all I have time for this morning. I cut it kind of closely, timewise.

1. It's going to be hazy, hot, and humid again today, but that's good, because it means it'll be a humongous relief when the weather breaks. They're saying tomorrow on the news, but my bones say tonight.
2. My friend Nicole sent this quote: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr. Seuss said it. I love it a lot.
3. Giant Penguins. Hell, it just feels good to say it.
4. I heard that Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films, not only bought as his vehicle a stocked ice cream truck, but said in an press conference that, should acting not pan out for him, he'd still have the ice cream to fall back on.
5. A reviewer contacted me and asked me if I'd like for him to review my book. I went to his website and found he had a list of "accepted genres," none of which my book fell comfortably within, and a mission statement that says he does not sugarcoat. I wrote back to him and told him that my first-time-published fragile ego is in no position to take a scathing hit from a reviewer whose personal preferences require a thrilling plot, and I'd prefer to take my scathing hit from him when I finish my novel, where, if he does hit me with the scathing, at least I'll know it's because I did something legitimately wrong, writingwise, as opposed to his not getting it. I felt pretty good about being honest with him.
6. He replied that, if my writing skills are as good in my books as they are in my emails, I have a chance for a highly successful future in writing.
7. I heard a rumor that they've found Hatshepsut. If they have, Zahi Hawass will have to announce it sometime today. That means a cool Discovery or History Channel documentary will be coming up soon.
8. Also, Josh has a new episode of Digging for the Truth coming next month: Sodom and Gomorrah. Notice how I refer to Josh by his first name, like we're buddies. I'm not sure why I do that.
9. Lee asked me if I was a Browncoat and I said I never got a chance, because I kept missing Firefly and finally, it got cancelled before it had a chance. I said I thought I might be a Keeper (reference to Kingdom Hospital) but if I am, I'm the only one. But it occurs to me that, since I know what a Browncoat is, yeah, I might actually be one, just not hardcore.

I'm cutting my time too closely again. I have to start getting up even earlier than I already do.

1. The first sentence in Billions of Billions by Carl Sagan is "I never said it." This is gonna be a good book.
2. The weather did break last light. My bones don't lie.
3. I won ten credits on Blog Explosion. first thing this morning.
4. I finally finished reading all of Deni Bonet's archives back to the very first entry of her blog. I have been reading her since April 2, 2005, but she started writing in December of 2004 and I needed to backtrack. Funny lady — and far more interesting than Paris Hilton.
5. Speaking of whom ... I wish it weren't the top story in today's news (and I kind of wish she'd continued to go with the minimalist, sweet makeup she used coming out of jail instead of switching back to full-on war paint), but I'm ready to give Paris Hilton the benefit of the doubt. She persists in pointing out that we don't know the real her. (Of course we don't. We only know the one she presented to us. If that's not real, is that our fault?) If she truly shows a change in her life at this point (I never perceived her as a druggie or a drunk as much as a skank, a societal drain, and a dingbat) I will apologize for all the bad things I thought about her.
6. On the other hand, Time Magazine did a count of how many times Paris Hilton said each word she used in her interview with Larry King. She doesn't appear to have used the words "learn" or "give" at all. She used the word "I'd" four times, "I'm" thirty-three times, "me" forty times, "my" sixty-one times, and "I" two hundred eighty-five times.
7. On the other, other hand, we as the viewing public asked for it, didn't we?
8. Not that I watched it. There was a twenty year-old documentary about Gershwin on PBS and I was all over that. It was awesome. After that, I just read my new book till 10:00 pm, when I watched reruns of Whose Line Is It Anyway? till I dozed off. Options rock.

1. I just found out that one of our coworkers, a loveable-but-crotchety, dirty-old-man-but-sweet guy who had been having severe health problems lately, passed away this morning. I'm really sad, but he had been in pain; uncomfortable and weak a great deal of the time lately (I believe his condition was pulmonary in nature) and the fact that he's out of that now is, not comforting, but I ached knowing how sick he felt and now I know he doesn't feel that anymore. Also, and this is terrible, I was aware he was in the hospital, gravely ill. When it's not a shock, just sadness, grief can proceed more smoothly.
2. Life is going on. As it does.
3. One of our other coworkers is happily retiring today, and still another is beginning maternity leave as she is due any second now.
4. I got a good idea for a new reality show. It's about the fact that bald eagles have officially been taken off the endangered species list. I call the show America's Got Talons.
5. My late coworker would have gotten a kick out of that.
6. If Carl Sagan was right, and I've no reason to believe he wasn't, since he was brilliant, then my third grade teacher (who was not so much brilliant as she was really old, mean, closed to new ideas, and heavily lathered with orange pancake makeup) was wrong. It's not quality — it is quantity. The evidence seems to indicate that it really is more important to know how much of a good thing is a good thing than to have the good thing in the wrong amount (not enough or too much).
7. My late coworker would probably have gotten a kick out of that, too.

1. I found a Starbucks card with over $17 left on it. Raspberry mocha-something-frosty, here I come.
2. I'm getting paid for a few blogs on July 4th. Yay having some money.
3. I made an awesome jambalaya-like dish for dinner last night, despite having no smoked sausage. I hope I can remember how I did it and do it again.
4. It's the weekend; never a bad thing.
5. My mother-in-law has had her other knee surgery (titanium replacement) and is doing well.
6. I love my mother-in-law. I started to put that as part of the last item, but really, isn't that an item in and of itself?

1. I found a Starbucks card with over $17 left on it. Raspberry mocha-something-frosty, here I come.
2. I'm getting paid for a few blogs on July 4th. Yay having some money.
3. I made an awesome jambalaya-like dish for dinner last night, despite having no smoked sausage. I hope I can remember how I did it and do it again.
4. It's the weekend; never a bad thing.
5. My mother-in-law has had her other knee surgery (titanium replacement) and is doing well.
6. I love my mother-in-law. I started to put that as part of the last item, but really, isn't that an item in and of itself?

1. My body is currently thanking me from the bottom of its dairy allergy, but that orange créme from Starbucks was so delicious and refreshing, it was worth it.
2. Also worth it was the fact that it did not come from Dunkin Donuts.
3. I would like to find whichever graffiti artist tagged the Rachael Ray Dunkin Donuts billboard by the railroad tracks and give him or her a big wet kiss. Rachael Ray is okay, I guess, but I'm so tired of her face everywhere.
4. Yet again, it was a pretty day and my husband actually drove me around and stopped when I wanted to stop. I'm almost afraid to get used to such thoughtfulness.
5. It's also a pretty day today. I'm not quite sure my body wants to leave the comfort of home just yet, but maybe later.
6. Nothing pressing on my agenda, though, and I don't have to go to work, so if I decide I want to take this day and just be properly ill all day long, I can do so without guilt.

I really have been trying to stay perky and upbeat.

To be positive so as to attract positive things.

Two people of my acquaintance died in the past week, and a sort-of-former-colleague of my mother's was buried on Monday, to boot.

I'm so deep in the hole I can't see daylight, and no, I haven't spent a single nickel on myself in months. Months. I just keep trying to give to charity and, woohoo, more hole.

I put change into the boot every time we passed the fire station for a whopping twenty minutes of fireworks.

Not to mention that Elizabeth is currently making out with Anthony in For Better or For Worse. I want her to be happy, not just to settle for Anthony because she knows him and he's "safe." (I also lost a bit of respect for him when he accompanied her to court, then, knowing she was in emotional and fearful knots, added a little extra stress to her life by asking her to "wait for him." Way to step up and be unselfish, Anthony.)

I'm not sure who the Secret or the Charmed Life is working for, but I think they're getting all my good luck.

However, I am all about giving it a fair shot.

• When our twenty minutes of fireworks had been used up, we did not have to walk a mile to our cars (or try to find a bathroom along the way), then crawl through traffic, using up tons of expensive gasoline in the process, to get home. We just turned around, went back inside and closed the sliding glass doors. Yay balconies with unobstructed vantage points of the sky over Bradley Point.

• I had the following conversation with my husband on Monday, about my mother's sort-of colleague, whom we both knew was terminally ill.

Me: Mom tells me they buried Mr. Attorney today.
Him: Oh, wow; he died?
Me: No, they just buried him. He should be digging himself out any second now. Here's your sign.

• I didn't have to work yesterday or today.

• Carl Sagan is still rocking my world.

1. I had nightmares all last night. But I woke up.
2. I have to go back to work today. But I have a job, and clothing to wear to my job, and people at my job who respect my work.
3. It's raining. But I don't have to work outside.
4. I don't get paid for having received a Rockin' Girl Blogger award. In fact, it's just a Photoshop button. I could make one myself. Or I could steal one off someone else's page. But it was awarded to me, because someone really does think I am a Rockin' Girl Blogger.

Yeah. I'm okay.

1. I am going to dinner and a movie with my friend today.
2. I made a separate LOLCAT graphic to "hand out" to anyone who hasn't yet been awarded a Rockin' Girl Blogger Award:

and people are saying they like it better than the actual award.

3. I got paid for my blogs to profit; ten percent of the payment was less than the minimum accepted by credit card for most online charities, so I donated about half, in memory of my coworker who passed away last week.
4. One of my NYC favorites has invited me to spend a night with her the next time she's homesitting for her employer. I'm incredibly squee at this concept, not only because she's the awesome, but because I will be in New! York! and get to see all the sorts of stuff I don't get to observe shuttling back and forth from work to home (with the occasional side trip to the supermarket) in Connecticut.
5. Our fireworks didn't get rained out.
6. Nor did anyone I know drown over the holiday (at least four people in Connecticut did, that I saw in the news).
7. Also, though we were held up by the bad accident on 95 Thursday, we were neither headed northbound, where it had happened and everything was closed, nor, more importantly, were we involved.

I haven't been posting happylists lately. Know why? Because I'm noticing that, the more positive I try to be, the more bad things appear to be happening.

It's so weird. I make a conscious effort to attract success and happiness, and people around me are dying, my money is draining away faster than I can put it back into charity, and my friends are losing their jobs.

I don't want to say I'm giving up or have no hope anymore, but I've got to try to approach this differently, because the secret and the charmed life appear to be backfiring mightily.

I'm still here.

I'm just trying to change tactics, considering that the Universe is continuing to smile on me, much in the manner that sharks smile on smaller fish.

However, I am incredibly thankful for this:

Nicked from The Listener
Mi larsenny. Let me show u it.

Items of note:

• I just got a pretty neutral rejection (they didn't say I suck, but neither did they offer any encouragement) on a bit of writing into which I had put quite a lot of work, not only in ensuring that its content was wonderful, its format was scrupulously correct, and that it met the needs of the company, but also in infusing it with all the positive energy in my power, in accordance with the guidelines from The Secret and A Charmed Life. I'm almost relieved that they didn't want it, in the sense that pushing all that positive "Today you'll be contacting me about how good I am and what my next step is with you to move forward with this project" was as much work as going to my job every day; now that they've told me they are completely not interested, I can cross that item off my several-times-daily-to-do list.
• One of the many people pontificating The Secret at me like they're the the Happiness Experts of All Time is getting a divorce.

I'm keeping this site, at least for now, and I'm going to keep giving to charity as I've been doing. I'll try to drum up some more paying work for in here. But I'm going to do it because it's a worthwhile exercise and it's the only way I can get enough money to give to charity, since I can't afford it on my existing budget.

I will no longer put a lot of faith into the ol' hocus pocus. Either good fortune will come to me or it won't. I'll work toward what I have control over and let go of what I don't.

If an opportunity presents itself, I'll be prepared. But if it doesn't, I won't blame myself. The Universe isn't here to give me everything I want, nor even anything I need. It's just here, and I'm in it.

Yay for that, anyway.

... but I'm more interested in seeing if this post ends up on Daniel's multiply site, like so many other people's posts that have been tagged "Harry Potter" or "Harry Potter Movie" have done.

Congratulations on your mad copy and pasting skills, Daniel.  I'd say you're a good writer, but I'm not sure how much actual writing you do and how much you steal from other people and take credit for yourself.

This is a Golfwidow post, and I ought to know, because I am Golfwidow and I wrote the silly thing.  If you see it at http://daniel67smith.multiply.com/journal, it's 'cos he or whoever is running that site ganked it off of my site.  Hi.

... but I'm more interested in seeing if this post ends up on Daniel's multiply site, like so many other people's posts that have been tagged "Harry Potter" or "Harry Potter Movie" have done.

Congratulations on your mad copy and pasting skills, Daniel.  I'd say you're a good writer, but I'm not sure how much actual writing you do and how much you steal from other people and take credit for yourself.

This is a Golfwidow post, and I ought to know, because I am Golfwidow and I wrote the silly thing.  If you see it at http://daniel67smith.multiply.com/journal, it's 'cos he or whoever is running that site ganked it off of my site.  Hi.

I have no agenda against the Universe. But it sure does like to mess with me.

After seven years of not bitching about my job here, like so many other online writers do with impunity (in fact, I think I've written here more than once about how much I liked my job, and how I was willing to put up with it even when it's frustrating, on the basis that they paid me to take the frustration like a big girl), they still hit me in the face with the ol' "eliminating your position due to budgetary constraints" on Thursday.

What you don't know is that That Man of Mine has been on a fruitless job search for the past several months himself. I didn't talk about it because, while people like you to be honest, most of them don't want you to be that honest. It makes them uncomfortable.

We are well and truly fucked, now. I am ill and I was supporting both of us on my meager salary, and now I don't have that anymore.

I am terrified.

I hate like hell to do this, but I have no marketable skills and all the stuff I own is crap, so I can't sell you anything but myself.

I will write guest blogs for $2 each. I accept Paypal.

That's set at a cap of $2, by the way. I don't want charity — I have to earn that by writing a guest post. So if you keep clicking it, you're going to get a whole lot of guest posts, is what I'm saying.

You can choose the subject, within reason. I'll try to tailor what I write to fit into your blog's everyday format. I'd rather not to have to write or endorse anything I don't believe, but I will try to be fair to your requests, and I will also respect your blog by not writing anything that is in dissent with your opinions and beliefs.

I don't need your password. All I need is your URL (I'll direct what traffic I may to your site) and an email address for me to send the text to. You can copy and paste the text into your blog application's "body" field yourself without compromising your security.

$2. That's how desperate I am.

Oh, and? I got the news a few hours after having gotten the news that my friend E's husband had died suddenly that morning.

People's pets are sick and dying. People's dads are sick and dying. People's husbands? Sick and dying.

All this, after I decided to change my life and reach out to the Universe, to put money back into the financial ecosystem by giving whatever extra I had to charity.

To be positive about everything, all the time, in order to attract positivity to my life.

I can't do that right now. Maybe I can get back to it at some point, but at the moment, it doesn't feel like changing my outward attitude will change what I attract. It feels like pretending I'm happy is making me into a big fat liar.

All those people walking around what used to be my office, whining about their sniffles and the fact that they only had enough money for two pairs of new shoes when they wanted three, they still have jobs.

Me, I smiled all the time. Said "Great!" when people asked how I was. Didn't mention that I haven't bought new shoes in ages because I can't afford them when the bills and the mortgage and the groceries and blah blah expensecakes have to be my first priority.

But I'm the one causing "budgetary constraints."

My former employers, they don't know from budgetary constraints. And at least one of them told one of my former coworkers that they were unaware that That Man was also out of work, which wouldn't make a difference anyway, since the decision was already in place.

Except, he did know.

I had told him a few months ago.

And even if he'd forgotten, I'd mentioned it again, as I was leaving the meeting where they were telling me how truly, truly sorry it had to be this way.

He did know, and he still let it happen, and then he lied about knowing. But I'm the budgetary constraint.

I hope none of them ever sleep a wink again. I hope they lie awake at night, consumed with guilt over the fact that they have destroyed me.

They won't, because I believe they have no souls, but I hope it anyway.

$2.00. Please.

It's less than a gallon of gas.

Certainly less than cigarettes, and by the way, thank gourd I quit five years ago, because if I hadn't, I certainly can't afford to smoke now.

Besides, they're US dollars. They're not worth crap anyway.

(I considered writing to the White House to ask if the President would like me to guest post on his blog, but I didn't want to have to resort to using made-up words like "nucular" and "sublinial" if at all avoidable.)

Please.

The son of the sista of my heart (which I suppose makes him the nephew of my heart) sent a contribution via the button for guest posts, even though he doesn't have a blog.

He did ask that I post my comments and opinions regarding surveillance and the telecoms.

I have so many conflicting thoughts on this subject. I hate like hell to take sides on controversial issues, especially on my blog, because it tends to inspire more conflict between us than it does resolution to situations.

The best-case scenario is an agreement to disagree; a worse-case scenario is a bunch of people explaining at the top of their caps-locks why I couldn't be more wrong, misinformed, and ignorant; the worst-case scenario is the ending of a friendship/mutual respect — a loss that could easily have been avoided if I'd just kept my wrong, misinformed, and ignorant viewpoints to myself.

Even that best-case scenario makes me unhappy. But it was so little for him to ask.

In a nutshell, my instinct is to say that I, personally, don't have anything to hide. If the government wants to waste its time listening to me talk smack about my former employers and whine about the fact that my friends are slurping diet cherry limeades when I would have to drive ninety miles to get to the nearest Sonic, they're more in need of a life than I am.

On the other hand, I'm one of the ones paying for that. I give the government my hard-earned money (which is no longer flowing in like it was, oh, this time last week), and they eavesdrop on me. I can think of about five million things I'd rather have them do with that money.

On the other hand, the biggest problem I have with surveillance as it currently stands is that, although the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) used to protect our rights to not be spied upon, that got sort of overridden by the Protect America Act. By dancing around the original language of FISA, a proposed amendment including immunity for the telecoms could leave them more safe from prosecution for invasion of privacy than I think we are from being invaded, period.

In a rather annoying nutshell, it is completely legal for them to tap a citizen's communication media to "keep us safe" (and from what? my pathetic attempts to console E over the death of her husband? oh, yeah, that's the act of a terrorist, innit), and they may do so without holding any sort of judicial review. Just, if they think you're a threat, they can move forward and get their listen on.

How are they making such a call, without a judicial review? Even "trusting a gut instinct" is exercising some sort of judgment ... don't they want to get a second opinion? Wouldn't they want one, if they were the citizens under scrutiny?

How silly of me, to assume personal integrity was going to play a part in this fiasco.

But on the other hand, who's going to pay for the judicial review?

And on the other hand, is it really keeping us safe?

And on the other hand, how can we expect anyone to be honest with us about whether or not our phone sex has evolved into a gang rape, when I personally am not a hundred percent sure anyone's even actually reporting all of the news, and have not been since Peter Jennings started not feeling so well?

How many hands is that? One, two, three, four, five, six.

Ultimately, it comes down to two big problems.

1. I've only got two hands.
2. I'm not qualified to have even one opinion about this at all, and the ones I've already voiced are almost certainly wrong, misinformed, and ignorant.

In short (I know; too late), the whole freaking government, a bunch of people who still have jobs and make more than I ever made before I became a budgetary constraint, can't make up their minds what the best, safest course is in regard to finding out who's got it in for us, and I'm just one person who takes a millenium to pick out a greeting card. Don't be mad that I can't come up with the right answer, is what I'm saying.

Two hands.

For your own edification, here is the left hand:

http://www.pfaw.org/pfaw/general/default.aspx?oid=24935

and here is the right hand:

http://www.gop.com/blog/Read.aspx?GUID=4798169f-61a2-4a2d-ba8a-829eef93f06e

Please feel free to make your own decision, and I wish you luck of it. My brain hurts from trying to figure it out.

And my own left hand doesn't know what my right hand is doing, except that both hands are feeling mighty arthritic, this cold, rainy-arsed day.

I'm still "selling" guest posts. Most of them are not this wrong, misinformed, and ignorant, I assure you.